Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you

I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…

to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone

That’s me at the corner, that’s me at the stoplight choosing no collision

-Michael Stipe selling auto insurance

A moth is just a butterfly with glasses and its hair up.

When a proctologist fixes a problem, do they say it’s been rectified?

the man next to me at this airport bar just sent at least 30 cry laugh emojis to a person in a text while he sat stoically drinking a heineken

“He has no self control!” I mutter angrily as I try to sneak an oreo and realize my husband already finished them

I name photos of me stroking animals in files called “Fireworks and big dogs.jpg” so my cats won’t find them on my computer.

***TRAVEL NEWS***

A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.

See that girl.

Watch that scene.

Diggin’ the Danson cream.

A company decided to stop paying its drivers, so one of them parked his truck on the owners Ferrari & left it there.

Fe
Fi
Fo
Fum
Rhyme scheme tweets are kinda dumb

me: what’s the fish that kills you if it’s prepared wrong

waiter: fugu, but tonight’s chef is very good

me: ok then *closes menu* I’ll come back tomorrow

If you like constant interruptions when you’re [no you can’t have a snack] trying to get something done, then parenting [leave the cat alone] might be for you.

Swing states aren’t as much fun as they sound.

My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.

I hate when things are inscrutable. just wanna scrute ‘em so BAD.

Table for six please?

“Is your party coming soon or?”

[Takes 4 turtles and a rat out from coat] I’m going to need booster seats

A friend asked me how much I spend on a bottle of wine.

My response: Oh, about 20 minutes.

Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?

Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.

Her: I forgot. I already ate.

I just read an article about a man swept out to sea during a baptism. I guess that’s God’s Way of saying “Nope”.

Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I’m like here’s another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers

my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers

Chef: I like it when the roast beef falls apart.

Roast beef: *starts talking about its ex-boyfriend*

My son walked into the kitchen and said I bet you don’t know what 47 divided by by 4 is and when I told him 11 remainder 3 he said thanks and walked back to the room he was doing his homework in. It was a smooth transition. But now I understand the play and it won’t happen again.

In all of this horror movie scenes where the bed is levitating it’s just the monster under the bed, sneezing.

We must all do our part for the planet. The other day I unplugged a row of electric cars nobody was using.

Me: Oof my belly.
My wife: Yeah you need to lose some weight.
Me: Yeah
[5 minutes later]
Wife: Oh did I tell you there’s pie?
[10 more minutes]
Wife: By the way I brought home a loaf of callamata olive bread last night, so eat some.

-The dangers of a grocery store clerk spouse

I just tested negative for patience.

Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level