And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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angel: so this birth thing should probably be as simple as possible
god: yeah i was thinking we start with an army of tiny genetic ghost tadpoles that live in the balls
angel: ok first question why
god: wait i’m not finished
I won’t open the garage door because I’m afraid the cast and crew from “Hoarders” will be outside waiting.
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
Told my daughter work was tough today and she patted my back and said, “Life isn’t always pickles and peaches,” like some kind of 3rd Grade Confucius.
wife: im pregnant
me: what? im not ready to be a mother we still have petty arguments
wife: im the mother
me: this is what I’m talking about
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
“We’ve been blessed with a second son, another prince”
“I hope he doesn’t grow to resent his older brother, Mufasa, who one day will be king”
“Let’s call him Scar”
Mark Zuckerberg, 2003: “Hmm, I’m tired of going door-to-door telling people their grandma is racist … there has to be a better way …”
Cop: He’s getting away! Quickly, cut him off!
Criminal: Get outta my—
Rookie: STOP TALKING
Do not let #FyreFestival refugees into the country. We cannot risk it if even ONE of them has been radicalized.
Congratulations to the people who never took their Christmas decorations down you’re almost there
“Hey what’s today’s date?”
Neil deGrasse Tyson: You mean on the cosmic calendar?
“No Neil, not on the goddamn cosmic calendar.”
I now know that no matter how happy you are it’s not always the right time to clap your hands and show it.
Mother in Law’s funeral taught me that.
Hubs: How mean of my wife to teach the kid to hide my stuff at exact place it is supposed to be
My toddler growls every time someone says she’s cute and now I can finally say something about parenting has given me joy
I trapped a ghost in my cooler to keep my beer cold.
SERIAL KILLER: prepare to die
ME: thanks, you too
[1863]
LINCOLN: Here’s what I have so far…”Eighty seven years ago our f—
MARY TODD: Wait, wait…Why don’t you use some whacky weird numbers
Genie: last wish
Me: I wish I could fly
*poof*
Me: *in line holding an economy class ticket to Tulsa* SONOFA…
Welcome to twitter! Your emotional support raccoon will be with you shortly.
I’m so broke identity thieves sent a fruit basket with a note.
“Sorry about the ID theft. Please tell your creditors to stop calling us.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Just walked past two South Asian men in the street who were reading out the individual components of a full English breakfast from a restaurant menu and absolutely weeping with laughter
“Sookie!”
-70% of True Blood dialogue
OMG! It’s colder than a pimps heart out here!
30% of Republican primary voters nationally say they support bombing Agrabah. Agrabah is the country from Aladdin. #NotTheOnion
Is it soup spoon or dessert spoon when eating a jar of mayonnaise?
-Stop expecting someone else to fix you, fix yourself
(me talking to the pile of clothes on my bed)
I can’t watch porn with a storyline cause I get too invested and end up worrying about the delivery man losing his job for taking so long 🙁