And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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Crypto is over. This is the year of cryptic currency. Pay for your groceries with a mumbled prophecy and a cursed stone.
I always cry at those YouTube videos of babies getting hearing aids and hearing their mother’s criticism for the first time.
My wife told me we need a new bathroom scale a week ago, but today she let me know that it wasn’t something she wanted for Valentine’s Day.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Why do people ask “what the hell were you thinking”? Obviously, I was thinking I was gonna get away with it and not have to explain it
I had the whole English language available to me and I used “weirdo” twice. But when you’re confronted with a weirdo…well that’s why we have the word weirdo.
“What state are we in now?”
-kids, 5 minutes into a 15-hour road trip
my 4-year-old was staring at me and said he was scared of “all the weird red lines” on my eyeballs and now i’m trying to decide whether or not to tell him that he and his brother are responsible for my lack of sleep, aka weird red eyeballs
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
I’m a parent, so if another grownup tells me “we’ll see” or “maybe” I know the answer is no
“Oh, I do like Chinese food!”
-My 6yo, eating chicken fingers & fries from The Imperial Bamboo kid’s menu
Woke up in middle of night to write down something pressing and important.
*checks notes*
“Some form of ancient mop”.
What are you gonna argue about with your family this Thanksgiving?
1. Minimum wage
2. Police reform
3. Why are there raisins in this, Louise
Do regular squirrels think flying squirrels are super heroes??!
Actually resolved an argument between my wife and my 16 year-old daughter. Now being deployed to the Middle East to broker peace.
skinning your knee as an adult is so humiliating. that’s the toddler injury
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
In my defense Facebook didn’t alert me it’s my wife’s birthday.
Me: This is my parrot. I call him a repeat offender!
Date: Haha because you say something and he says it back to you
Me: He’s murdered 7 people
Thanksgiving is a magical time of year when families across America join together to raise the country’s obesity statistics.
Him: How much do you love me?
Me: A bit more than pizza.
Him:
Me: But not as much as coffee.
Don’t ask God to cure cancer & world poverty. He’s too busy finding you a parking space & fixing the weather for your barbecue.
MARRIAGE COUNSELOR: What is it that you are both most fearful of?
WIFE: I just…[sobbing]…don’t want the kids to suffer
ME: Eels
Olympics: carry this lit torch across the world
Smokey the bear: o hell no
[pokes your baby with a stick]
what’s it do?
Laying in a hammock is essentially saying, “I hope there are no emergencies.”
The circles under my eyes are so dark, Animal Planet is following me around filming a documentary about a raccoon out of its natural habitat
My kids wanted to know what it’s like to be a Mom so I woke them up at 2am to let them know my sock came off.
Why are they called air marshals and not plane clothes policemen
Me: Come to my party. I’m making my “secret special punch.”
Her: You mean vodka & food coloring?
Me: Who told you my secret?!?