Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*jogging*

Me: *out of breath* go on I’ll catch up

Him: *turns around to see me eating a can of cherry pie filling*

I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.

Anyone else think it’s weird how cancer kills more people than any other astrological sign

I don’t care if it’s immature or not, I’m pausing my age until this bullshit is over.

So much has changed in such a short period of time. But whoa is still spelled whoa.

Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.

Wife to our oldest daughter: “Go brush your teeth with your sister.”

Me to our oldest daughter: “Sweetie, don’t listen to your mother. Use a toothbrush.”

Fun prank. Tell your bf you’re getting your hair done. Leave. Don’t get your hair done. When you come back & he says it looks great stab him

Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios

Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???

Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*

I looked at a shelf once online and now every ad is like “SO YOU LIKE SHELVES??????” and everywhere i go i think a shelf is following me

LEGAL TIP

Open the calendar app on your phone, scroll back to the 15th of March 44BC and type in, “Stayed at home and watched TV all day today. Definitely didn’t go the the Senate.”

This gives you a plausible alibi in case you’re ever accused of assassinating Julius Caesar 👍

It says here on your resume that you’re “good at traps,” could you expand on that while I investigate this pile of leaves on the floor?

google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law

Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.

Juror:We find the defendant-
*pizza guy bursts in*
“Ive got 2 pizzas for Not Guilty”
Defendant: Im Not Guilty
Judge:NOT GUILTY
*bangs gavel*

my favorite thing about halloween is watching couples fight, name any other time you get to see a drunk penguin break up with a sobbing deadpool cause he was hitting on a sexy crayola box

My wife & I went to a costume party as each other. She walked around pointing at things, asking how much they cost. I showed up 2 hrs late.

My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on

My mum is at end of life with Alzheimer’s, 99% non-verbal, but Coldplay just came on the radio and she looked me in the eye and said “turn it off”.

they’re just heading into the office early to ketchup on some paperwork

[1st day at the zoo]
boss: did you feed the animals?

me: *looking at the signs that say don’t feed the animals* no

If I’m guilty of anything it’s only of loving too much, insider trading, public indecency, treason, arson, jaywalking, piracy & cannibalism.

*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*

“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”

My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.

i wish all

whales

a very

big

Friend at Memorial Day BBQ: I see you wasted no time with the white pants.
Me: These are my legs.

[guy about to invent magic 8-ball]

*kicking a ball* i could really use some vague advice

ME: Honey, I bought a Pet Rock

WIFE: A WHAT?

ME: Shhh, you’ll make him nervous

DWAYNE JOHNSON: *already peeing all over the carpet*

Judging by all the cracking and popping noises my body makes when I work out, I’d say I’m about 74% Rice Krispies.

Officer: Do you know why I stopped you?
Me: Um…could you give me a hint?
O: You were sp–
M: No, don’t tell me-I said a hint.
O: Sir…