And in other news, a unicorn attack leaves 12 dead, 42 injured, 6 pretty rainbows
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Me: ‘What’s on your menu?’
Restaurant Website: ‘Hahaha! Wouldn’t YOU like to know!’
Me: ‘Yes?’
RW: ‘Our chef trained in London.’
Me: ‘Cool, but what do you actually-’
RW: ‘Local ingredients are so important to us.’
Me: ‘Please, I just-’
RW: ‘RELAX IN OUR LAID-BACK ATMOSPHERE.’
I had my ring finger removed just to be safe.
No matter how handsome/beautiful you are, your passport picture or ID card will always find ways to humble you
Crouching tiger, public toilet seat.
4 out of 5 fire departments recommend I get takeout.
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
*checks my Fitbit to see how many calories rejection burns*
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
Welcome to your 40s. Your expensive designer shoes are prescription.
I knew she’d be trouble the minute she walked into my office, stumbled, knocked over the hat rack, then somehow got her feet entangled in my trench coat and, arms whirling like propellers as she tried to stay upright, sent my bourbon bottle flying, which spilled and ignited, then
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
My laptop: *cannot find printer*
Me: *gesturing* look it’s right there
Tacos are NOT a good pre yoga snack.
I know this now.
Snapes on a plane.
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.
CDC wants to be clear that only weddings should be canceled due to Covid-19, but if you’re already married then that’s still going on.
the short answer to this question
Friend: What are you going to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: Probably a scene.
okay run it by me one more time
hamburger doesn’t need your help.
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
might quit my job to focus on actually putting away my laundry
Social experiments where skinny people wear fat suits teach us to be nicer to fat people because it might be a skinny person in a fat suit.
Captain hook: hi do you have any quite big gloves? maybe a bit piratey, nothing weird
sales assistant: oh not you again
Dr: What are some of your hobbies?
“I like correcting factual inaccuracies in women’s jokes on Twitter”
Dr: (writing) Not sexually active.
True?
Generally when you hear the phrase “hold my beer and watch this”
Just dial 911
I was tired of arguing with my 3yo about getting dressed for school, so I made a sticker chart. Now, we also argue about stickers.
“I know she told me to buy Tampax, but I’ll buy the store brand that’s on sale instead.”
The last thoughts of a man who’s about to die.