And in that moment, the Ninja Turtles realized that in a way, ALL teenagers are mutants.
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10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
asked my bf what the red mark on his tummy was and he said “oh, I tried to steam my shirt while wearing it and burned myself.” this is the person I’ve chosen to love.
ME: [slowly heating water containing frog]
WIFE: what are you doing!
ME: [adding bubble bath] Ribbit Downey Jr had a stressful day
Just want to point out the NRA’s plan to stop school shootings is literally the plot of Kindergarten Cop.
Took a bunch of ibuprofen to keep my tweets from being too inflammatory
[furiously scribbles HE’S LYING on a piece of paper and pushes it across the table]
My Girlfriend: The waiter isn’t lying about the specials
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Yay parenting
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Waiter: would you like a little quiche before your main sir?
Me: ok, but no tongue
My toddler puts his pants on just like everyone else.
One arm at a time.
My 4 year old refused his dinner but it’s ok because I caught him eating a Milkbone earlier
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
stopped in at my local wine shop to grab a bottle and was told that on a normal Tuesday they would be at $1500 in sales but they’re already around $10k lmao
Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”
Whoever invented popcorn deserves the Medal of Honor for not panicking after the first 45 seconds.
I made the cats a very scary jack o’lantern with a vacuum cleaner on it.
When your bucket of KFC starts talking about the afterlife, that is some deep fried chicken.
It’s curious how kids are always *really* hungry right before dinner and right after dinner, but never during actual dinner.
Leaf blowers… making leaves your neighbor’s problem since 1977.
Human beings are the absolute worst, so tomorrow I’ll be a wombat.
The superstition where you hold your breath as you drive past a cemetery sounds like a ploy by Big Cemetery to fill more cemeteries.
[at Waldo’s trial]
Judge: Jury, how do you find the defendant?
Jury: We the jury find the defendant by looking in the top left of the page
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
With no training whatsoever, I took out myself and the other two people exiting the ski lift in one fell swoop.
Average Home Depot experience: 19 year old needs to page the store manager to ask which aisle the light bulbs are in
Average Ace Hardware experience: 79 year old walks you through every aisle of the store and after 4 hours you know how to build a house from the ground up
Sex so good, my left hand is making my right hand a sandwich.
Me: Male Peacocks can’t fly because their tail is too heavy.
Beauty has its cost.Husband: I still don’t understand why your eyeliner costs 45 dollars.
my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo
My husband went for a “quick nap” so after an hour I sent the kids upstairs with a recorder, harmonica and tambourine to play that song he likes