Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.

Dear Diary—

Today’s the day! I’m going to go up to that cute barista and say: “ALEX! MY NAME IS ALEX! WHERE DO YOU COME UP WITH ‘ARVIN’?! IS THAT EVEN A REAL NAME?!”

Judas: The one I kiss is Jesus Christ.
Soldier: You can just point to him.
Judas: (putting on lip-balm) I don’t tell you how to do your job.

Imagine trying to explain Captain America: Civil War to Abraham Lincoln.

[MOM GROUP CHATS]

Sadie says practice is at 1.
Maddie told me 12:30.
What color socks should they wear?
I heard it was at 4.
Who is in charge of snack today?
I can’t get Addi there until 2:15.
Kimberleigh has a gluten allergy.

[DAD GROUP CHATS]
Practice at 1.
👍

Turducken – Noun – The act of avoiding monkey projectiles.

If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.

*sees hot guy
*wiggles eyebrows
*licks lips
*winks, contact lens falls into coffee, sips coffee, gags on contact lens

*mouths* “call me”

“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.

I’m not crazy.

I keep my old batteries in the refrigerator next to my butter, just like everybody else.

Watch it bro, your mouth’s writing checks your body can’t cash. Because you write really sloppy with the pen in your mouth. Seriously, wtf?

Welcome to your 50’s.

I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.

Happy Halloween!

That depressing moment when you start your car to go to work and it doesn’t explode.

If you go to a ghost-themed party and they start burning a giant wooden cross, then you’re not at a ghost-themed party. And you’re an idiot.

Thoughts and Prayers aren’t working, it’s time to start pitching folks into a volcano

this is the kind of friend i am

I’m always here for you unless someone better looking needs me

Who called them silk boxers and not ball gowns

Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.

“WHY ARE YOU RIPPING OUT ALL OF YOUR FUR?!!”

-my dog, when I wax

Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.

Dog: Sure, go with that.

wife: go see if the baby sleeping

*walks into baby’s room*

baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profit

me: no babe she woke af

when it’s raining and someone texts you “are we still on for tonight?” and you say “oh, im fine either way, up to you! it’s raining lol” and then they text “okay see you tonight”

MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.

Sometimes I’ll be staring at my phone for a few minutes and be like “what was it I was doing” then I’ll be like “oh yeah I’m driving a car”

A book written by and for chickens is called a bok

If I had a dollar for every time I think about you, I’d start thinking about you.

My spirit animal is a cockroach because I refuse to give up and die.

Also I’m sorta crunchy.