Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*orders delivery*

dinosaur: *seductively* are you a triceratops or a tricerabottom?

ME: I’m scared of dying alone.

SCIENTISTS: Don’t worry it’s a mass extinction.

Such a weird day. It feels like that day we were talking about Greek mythology & the professor said Zeus was so obsessed with a human woman named Leda that he turned into a swan to seduce her & the whole class was nodding like “makes sense” & I was sitting there all “A swan wtf?”

“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”

Please excuse the house, we’re remodeling.

– whenever we have company and are never remodeling

My wife’s stance against me deep-fry a turkey may be influenced by a recent incident when she was on a trip to TN and the backyard camera alert kept going off on her phone because the pork belly on the grill burst into flame and the waves of dark smoke kept triggering the camera

Wife: Can you take the kale chips out of the oven?

Me: Sure. Can you hold the trash open?

HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.

Monster mom: Is it a GIRL?
Monster dad: Is it a BOY?

Midwife: It has 12 fingers and 4 toes. Just be grateful you created a monster!

I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.

MC HAMMER: U can’t touch this! … U can’t touch this!
MASSAGE THERAPIST: Please just let me do my job Mr. Hammer!
MC HAMMER: U can’t tou…

How many towels can your young adult son use when he visits? All of them. Even ones you’ve forgotten you own.

I dig, you dig, we dig, he digs, she digs, they dig.

It’s not a beautiful poem, but it’s very deep.

I tell people that I’m a contact tracer but I’m really just being nosy

My favourite part of the Bible is when the little guy finally throws his ring into the volcano.

*gives joke answer to daughter’s 75th consecutive question*
[20 years later, she’s in an office] “Everyone knows the moon was built in 1973”

I took down my front door because I got sick of having to kick it down every time I come home with a handful of groceries and my keys are in my pocket.

Whoever invented brooms, good job. I love your work. Use them all the time.

What’s up with all these idiots on TV trying to talk to ghosts? I don’t even wanna talk to the living.

Went to an outdoor restaurant in the rain once. Took me two hours to finish my soup.

I’ve walked all over this Hobby Lobby and still haven’t found the craft beers.

[first day of astronomy class]

So, does everyone get to be an astronaut,

or do we draw straws?

The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the

therapists should give you a discount if you make them laugh in session

Coworker: What was your college major?

Me: How to avoid student-loan debt, with a minor in teen pregnancy.

Watch out, fellow motorists! I’ve got fast-food in my hand and I’m not afraid to give it my full attention.

*i get home riding a pig*
Wife: Hey honey, how was the “Hog Riders” meeting?
Me: *sighs* Pointless…this one was for motorcycles too.

My favorite female superhero

The wife: Thinking about getting a tear drop tattoo
Me: Ha, you’ve never killed anyone!
The wife: