Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

KANGAROO(tasting beer) *sips* This is too hoppy for me
[BrewMaster] I thought youd love “hoppy” beer lol
[Kangaroo] (sternly) That’s racist

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

Her: “were you thinking about me?”
Me: “of course”
My brain: *I don’t think i’ve ever pronounced “croissant” the same way twice, in my life

My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.

[meeting GF’s mom]

Wow! This must be your sister! Your baby sister! *shakes keys in front of her face* I’m overselling this, aren’t I?

There’s a fine line between flirty and creepy. And that line is called being good looking.

Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.

4 months ago,I started a poultry business with 4 chicken🐣 ,And I’m here to tell you that I successfully ate all of them😂😂

The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.

ah, mercury’s going retrograde, that explains why i accidentally squandered my entire youth

[interview]

Any questions?

“Why isn’t Bigfoot called Bigfeet?”

No about working here

“Oh! If he worked here would you call him Bigfeet?”

Them: can you explain the gaps in your resume?

Me: Can you explain your haircut?

Me: *being patted down* I can explain

Cop: *holding several ziplock bags filled with cheeto dust I had down my pants* this isn’t illegal but I’m listening

Got tazed at the zoo again for shouting yasss queen at the peacocks.

my ex boyfriend’s cousin’s girlfriend just followed me from her alt Instagram account . I’ve still got the juice 😎

Soccer I love when they hold up the sign and a brand new beautiful boy takes the place of a dirty sweaty ruined one

By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?

I overheard a dad at Starbucks tell a kid not to tell Mom he got a cake pop for breakfast, so I guess I’m part of their web of lies now too.

Instead of a dress code every senator should get to choose how one other senator dresses.

I hate it when I’m on twitter & there isn’t a car behind me to honk when the light is green.

[first date]
“Tell me two interesting things about yourself”
well I lie when I’m nervous…
“ok…”
and I invented oatmeal

I live in fear of the day my kid asks “where’s all my other drawings?”

My youngest daughter is blowing relentlessly on a recorder

So you can understand what level of stabby I am right now

Sing it!

I swallowed an ice cube yesterday and still haven’t pooped it out.
I’m getting really concerned.

Me: Here is some apple juice.
Kids: Deelish!
M: Apple butter on your toast?
K: Please!
M: How is the apple sauce?
K: Terrific!
M: Got you apple slices with your Happy Meal.
K: Great!
M: Have an apple.
K: Oh you mean POISON?!?!

waiting for halloween be like:

July 2019
*buys new dress shoes from .shoes.com*

August 2019 – present
*gets 30% off email from .shoes.com EVERY OTHER day*

August 2060:
*.shoes.com representative chisels “30% off” coupon code on my headstone*

the sweet sweet relief I felt at logging on and seeing 30-50 feral hogs