Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science

My Chihuahua every time someone knocks on the door

If there’s a zombie apocalypse, I’m becoming a zombie.
Walking around doing nothing & eating non-stop seems like a pretty sweet deal to me.

Spending a lazy afternoon methodically eating the plastic flowers from the vase in the hotel lobby

School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money

Guy on plane:
*hits me in face with coat*
That was me.

Me: *turns around*
*pokes him in the eye*
*takes his peanuts*
And that…was me.

[After reading vows]
Me: Why are you upset?
Her:
Me: Was it the Donald-
Her: Yes, it was the Donald Duck voice.

Hey check out this new candle I got.
-Sweet. What flavor is it?
I think you mean ‘what scent is it?’
*with a mouthful of candle wax*
-What?

Aries: You will dance on your enemy’s grave this week, finishing 3rd in the grave dancing contest.

*pulls up to window*

Me: *on phone* Ok, so you want a chocolate shake also? Ok, I’ll get two then. *phone rings while its at my ear*

The secret to work life balance is generational wealth

I wear black because it’s slimming. Exercise is also slimming, but like I said, I wear black.

Getting arrested must suck! Not only do you get arrested, you have to make a phone call!!

you’re so tired of people trying to sell you courses that you buy a course to teach you how to reject people selling courses

me: this could have been an email

cop: step out of the car sir

I just need a shovel and a good alibi.

Saw a guy with flames tattooed all over his face. I hope someday he finds a girl who has marshmallows tattooed all over hers.

Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!

Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*

Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!

I’m never more aware of a room’s acoustics than when I’m trying to enjoy a snack I have no intention of sharing.

Interviewer: So tell me more about yourself.

Me: *can’t remember a single thing I’ve done in my entire life, ever*

🌱🌱🌱

This all goes a lot faster in the movies.

“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”

Little known trivia:

If you go to Ikea without your significant other, the store will provide you someone to fight with, free of charge.

If you think there’s nothing better than sex, you’ve never had a cop turn on his lights behind you and then pull over someone else.

bro what is going on at twitter

Thank god attorneys let us know they’re attorneys “at law” so we don’t assume they’re attorneys at garlic bread or something.

You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything

Hot girls tweet things like “his words. my curves. pain. my soul. barbecue sauce” and get 27k likes WTF is this app