Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Rt to bother an English speaker

It turns out the answer to my problems wasn’t at the bottom of this pint of ice cream, but the important thing is that I tried.

If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.

In my 20s: I would never lie to my kids. They will be strong enough to see the world as it is.

In my 30s: That’s called Paw Patrol. They only have it at the barber. You can watch it again the next time you get a haircut.

You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?

I downloaded Google Wallet but there was no money in that one either. wtf

*sets up tent*
*unrolls sleeping bag*
*tosses down like fourteen decorative pillows*

Waitress: Umm…
Me: I’ll have the endless chips and salsa.
Waitress: But you can’t–
Me: –I LIVE HERE NOW

Me: I find I do better in life if I just block unpleasant things out.

Him: I don’t know how to do that.

Me puzzled: when did you get here?

I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.

I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.

I was selling ad spots in a low budget print magazine. A dude sent an animated gif. I explained it’s printed. “So?” It won’t animate… “why not?” It’s on paper. “So?”

I am not saying I am way behind on laundry but the fact that my husband is wearing swim trunks around the house today sure does

I’m smart but not “figure out how to turn off all the lights in this hotel room” smart

Thunder only happens when it’s raining. Neighbors only mow lawns when you’re napping.

Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.

It’s almost September so here’s a list of all the fun things I’ve done this Summer:

1-
2-
3-
4-
5- sweat

*on phone
Hello NASA, can you turn the sun down just a bit? It’s too bright.
NASA: That’s not how things work ma’am.
Me: Then what are we even funding you for? If I crash it’s on you.

If I could be in two places at once, I’d be in bed twice.

Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.

“Dress for the job you want, not for the job you have” is all well and good until you’re manning the Asda pizza counter in a tutu.

If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.

My kid was telling me a story about a man who got shot by a snake and I said that was impossible as snakes are never armed and now I’m banned from talking in my own house.

My 8YO’s drawings of me have improved in detail. Although she still draws my body as a round ball, she now adds a nice touch by filling in the dark circles under my eyes.

How does a Ninja attack a pig?

Pork Chop.

“Hear me out. I know the cookies are a solid fundraiser, but picture this… mobile margarita truck!”

– and that was the last time I was on the planning committee for the local Girl Scouts.

Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”

When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.

good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”

A fun thing to do is sit on the couch with black buttons over your eyes while your kids watch Coraline, then wait for them to notice.