Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Daughter: Mommy, what’s that thing in your drawer that goes buzz buzz?

Me:

Daughter:

Me:

Daughter:

Me: GO TO YOUR ROOM!

Therapist: do u communicate with your kids?
Me: my son stays in his room all day & never speaks
Therapist [looks at notes]: the 5 week old?

I got a Rubik’s Cube for my dog

Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
I’m that battle for like 3 different people.

[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?

My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.

Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’

Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘

Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’

[first day as co-pilot]
ME: Okay folks we’re going down
PILOT: [leaning over to unplug my headset] Good effort but it’s “we’ve started our descent”
PASSENGERS: [just losing their shit]

Canadian Thanksgiving isn’t the same day as Thanksgiving in the US because Canadians already put gravy on everything every day.

HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work

Wearing shirts of bands you don’t listen to is like refusing to eat the cupcake, but cool walking around with frosting all over your face.

I accidentally texted my wife with voice recognition…while playing the trombone

I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.

If I was a dental hygienist I’d be like “Now I’m gonna rip up your gums with a metal hook and then blame you for not flossing enough, sorry”

“Should we order some plates to share” omg sure I love that! Or I could just order what I want and be so much happier but totally open to either

Caught my uncle checking his phone mid way through the rosary and I absolutely squealed on him (for context I’m 41 and a guest in their home).

It’s like this photographer has never seen a woman bring a rotisserie chicken to her Boudoir session before.

🤬فقط في مصر 🤬

Confuse future archaeologists by burying human bones as if they’re riding dinosaur skeletons into battle.

this is how the alphabet looks from above

– – – – – – – – · – – – — – – – – – – – – – — – – –

daredevil: [standing in the rain with his girlfriend] i may be blind, but my echolocation allows me to picture you perfectly

her: oh so like you’ll use the sound of the raindrops to-

daredevil: [just starts screaming into her face]

Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”

$20 to go through a corn maze? That’s $20 more than I expect to pay for a walk through vegetables.

We have 25 people coming over tomorrow for a bbq. 6 moms. 6 dads. 13 toddlers under the age of 4. My husband said if I took our girls out today that he’d ‘get the house ready.’ What did he clean in the 2 hours we were gone? The top of the fridge. He cleans the TOP OF THE FRIDGE.

… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?

Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?

KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat

DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes

Me: Wow, I would pay to see that.

Theatre Ticket Office: Yes Sir, that’s the general idea.

I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x

So many conspiracy theory tweets on my timeline right now about Kate Middleton, when the actual answer is staring us all right in the face: she abandoned her family to do an intensive, residential Photoshop course, and pretended to be having surgery to cover it up.