“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
[black jack]
DEALER: 14
ME: hit me
D: 16
M: hit me
D: 23
M: hit me
D:
M:
D:
M: make it look good so my wife believes I was mugged
DOCTOR: *holding $5 bill* what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay, but you still need to lose weight
ME: *hands him $20 bill*
Fun fact: When swimming upstream, salmon can jump up as high as 6 feet.
Unless its a white salmon.
Dietician: We need to talk about your self-control with donuts. Clearly, you have a problem. A donut crumb even clogged your phone’s charging port at one point…
Me: That IS self control
Dietician: how?
Me: If a crumb clogged the port, clearly I didn’t eat the whole donut
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
My 2yo calls pepperonis “Peppa Pigs.” He has no idea just how close to the truth he is.
STOP GIVING UR PETS HUMAN NAMES !! NO I DONT WANNA PET KEITH !!!
Welcome to adulthood: your chin looks lonely, here’s another one.
Me: [puts dog food into dish]
My dog: eh I’m not hungry
[1 minute later]
Me: [opens package of cheese]
My dog: oh great I’m STARVING
found a blob of cinnamon roll icing in my hair. anyway, thought of you
If you need some deep cleaning done today, find someone with ADHD who has a paper due tomorrow morning
Wife: [eyes me suspiciously] have you been using my shampoo and conditioner again?
Me: [brushing my volumized, shiny, tangle-free, plumeria & jasmine smelling hair] no.
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
Them: “Would you like to eat an entire loaf of bread?”
Me: “No thank you.”
Them: “What if we gave you a pot of cheese and a little poker and called it fondue?”
Me: “I’m in.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
One time in like 2014, Lauren Conrad tweeted “What’s my favourite position? CEO.” And I remember thinking that she ate, I was like yeah, that’s my girl
I just got back from a father and son fishing trip. I caught four fathers and nine sons.
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Boss: Can I have a word?
Me: Color
Boss: No, I want a word with YOU
Me: Colour
A group of crows is called a murder. A group of people walking slowly in front of me at the store is called a motive.
Beauty and the Beast (1991): A woman develops Stockholm Syndrome, emotionally bonding with her captor at castle furnished with singing decor
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
[returns from Costco]
“Honey you didn’t get stuff we don’t need, did you?”
“Of course not babe”
*stands in front of 12-pack of garage doors*
nurse drawing my blood yelled “we have a fainter” like really loud before anything happened which bothered me but then i did faint so it was like okay nevermind fair
I start opening a delivered package before I even get back inside and my wife can let her packages sit unopened on the table for a week. Which one needs therapy?
“google d-dildoes…” i whisper to siri “GOOGLIN BIG OL DILDOES!!” screams the phone, smashing windows in a 9mile radius & flipping over cars
Are we doing Secret Santa this year? Because I accidentally bought unsalted butter.
There is nothing quite as genuine as hearing from a friend you haven’t seen in forever and finding out she sells Avon now.