Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

thanksgiving should be called feaster

Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy

My uncle used to bet me a root beer that I couldn’t sit quietly in the car in the casino parking lot. I ALWAYS won lmao

Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.

4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?

A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.

Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!

interviewer: why were you fired from your last job?

God: [sweating nervously] ok have you ever heard of humans

I pulled a muscle trying to avoid my neighbor in the grocery store.

I picked my nephew up from school & I asked him “how was school?” This boy gonna say “Why you ask me that everytime you see me, you never went to school?”

I won a chocolate bunny at the carnival but it was a hollow victory.

“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.

You could pay someone to install a new faucet or you could spend two hours and 20 minutes trying to remove one bolt and then pay someone.

He died doing what he loved, my now ex-wife

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

Name an organ more dramatic than the uterus

Like, she doesn’t get a baby and she throws an absolute fit. Tearing everything down and throwing it out in the lawn so now it’s everyone’s problem 🙄

Google:
“Never run away from a black bear or approach him. Make yourself look as big as possible.”

Me:
*hands bear a magnifying glass*

my kid: how much venom does a scorpion store in his tail?

me: idk, want me to google it?

him: no, didn’t you go to college? you should know this

me: umm yeah i have a bachelors degree

him: oh so you’re only licensed to go to bachelor party, makes sense

Dating a guy with big hands is the best, at any time I can say “Babe, can you hold these 72 doll heads?”

And he can, he can hold them all.

Stop blaming your parents.

You’re 32.

Blame your spouse.

Son: *carrying damaged produce*

Me: Drop that sick beet!

The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.

Me: I was only protecting the kids from learning too early that their parents are fallible

Her: *packing away Monopoly* That’s still no excuse for stealing from the bank

-So YOU’RE the mother of this girl called..(checks notes) ..Riding Hood?
-Yes! Something happened to my beloved ch..
– Are you kidding me? You’re under arrest

where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore

I drank a beer and then clipped my kid’s bangs, so tomorrow morning should be interesting

i feel so bad i refunded him

Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.

Banned from IKEA again because I keep asking staff awkward questions about the shelf life of shelves.