“and it goes without saying…”
*proceeds to say it*
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I’m not trying to sound like a conspiracy theorist but isn’t a little suspicious these hurricanes keep happening in alphabetical order??
me: my phone is always on silent
them: don’t you miss calls?
me: yes 🙂
ME: and so I think morale would soar & sales would take off if the lunchroom had a Nintendo
BOSS: [from inside bathroom stall] can this wait
FRIEND: I miss hugging people
ME: Probably a depth perception issue
I asked my dog to marry me and he said no. I am stuck in man’s best friendzone.
This could be us… but you playing
Makes a girlfriend in IIT. Breaks up with her. Adds Ex IITian in bio.
Bad: I saw my girlfriend’s name and number on a couple of men’s bathroom walls..
Worse: It was in her handwriting…
peep davidson
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
[the long awkward silence between me and my date is suddenly broken by the sound of toast popping out the toaster]
me: “dinner is served”
love those YouTube videos that are like “doctor reacts to brutal superhero deaths” because they’re always like “yup you would definitely die if you got decapitated because your body needs a brain to survive. subscribe for more medical facts”
Do you think it’s weird that the only reason we still have landlines is so cops in movies can wake each other up in the middle of night?
Her: We need to talk.
*vultures begin circling over me*
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Never let the printer know that you are in a hurry.
Watching a show about women who choose to give birth outside. Like, let’s take the most painful experience of my life and add bugs and shit.
Listening to a friend tell me about her deep and meaningful dream knowing last night I dreamed I found a cave cricket in my nose.
Me: Bedtime in 5 minutes!
8yo: *Begins the single most complicated crafting project of her lifetime thus far*
Pineapples are grown in South America. They’re picked, washed, quality checked, sorted by size, packed, shipped then driven from the destination port to your local grocer and somehow that process seems easier than getting my laundry done.
Times are tough, my daughter just repossessed a paper airplane she made me, over a quarter I owed her from yesterday
Johnny Depp is proof that if you dress like you’re a member of a rock band long enough one will just form around you eventually
When she’s rage-cleaning the house, I help out by waiting until she starts to lose momentum before asking her what’s for dinner.
Your Harvard education doesn’t make me respect you more – it makes me respect Harvard less.
evidently it’s ‘not appropriate’ to call the embassy when the grocery store is out of brazil nuts
Ordering from Amazon is so easy, and they have all my favorite brands like Wealurre, MAXIFFE, GVY, SUNNOW, EHEYCIGA and Trendy Queen.