And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
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The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
I don’t think this app is working properly, I’m like barely getting any matches.
My pants embarrassed me in front of a chick again. How many times must I tell them that it’s rude to point???
Parenting is great if you want to relive every moment from your childhood when your parents got mad at you – from your parents’ perspective.
I’m starting to think aliens are avoiding us.
Jane Austen was probably going after someone she knew/hated when writing Lady Catherine de Bourgh and it’s so fun to imagine her friends reading it being like OMG GIRL NO YOU DIDNT 😂😂😂🤭🤭🤭🤭🤭
Out with the cat for a walk. We are still at my doorstep. It’s been 15 minutes.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
My current body type is like you can sorta tell I workout, but you can also tell that I don’t say no when someone offers me a cookie.
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Hear me out..
A swear jar, but you take a piece of paper out and have to yell what’s written on it
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
“IT WAS NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LIKE THIS!!!” I yell at the guy next to me at the red light while tweezing stray hairs from my chin.
Him: We’re going to the river, I should bring my wallet
Me: No just leave it here, wtf do you need it for?
His friend: She doesn’t want you to be found with any identifiers
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
me: [holding my cat like a baby] the apocalypse is here
cat: [scratches me]
me: no. we must remain calm
I’m assuming my husband bought me gym clothes and fat burning supplements because he wants a divorce
it says here you got fired from Olive Garden because you kept saying
“pasta la vista, baby” to people. why would you put that on a resume
Honey, your skirt is so short that your STD is showing.
He died doing what he loved, surprising tigers.
Everyone always tells me I look young for my age, especially since I started telling them that I’m 72
“Mommy why does Santa’s handwriting look like the tooth fairy’s handwriting?”
You’re all badass until that dust bunny in the corner is a real fucking spider.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Fact: On aircraft, pilots have different oxygen masks than you. The reason is because it’s impossible for a pilot and passenger to share one mask. Idiot.
Remember when movies didn’t show you the entire plot in the trailer?
If you drink straight from the pitcher, it’s technically only one margarita.
Let’s raise our glasses. I’ll say something then we all touch glasses to acknowledge what I said. We’ll name this action after cooked bread
Scientist: The eclipse will be just like this…
People: Wow, you were right.
Scientist: Now about climate change
People: Shut up egghead
The casting of the Little Mermaid is a joke. You need someone who can hold their breath for an hour and a half at least or the movie just isn’t believable.