Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Them: who ya gonna call

Me: ghostbusters

Them: sweet, what’s the number

Me: they didn’t say

Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it

I started working for a paycheck 30 years ago last month & my jaw has been clenched ever since.

I win arguments with cab drivers by getting out of the cab and leaving the door open.

“Olive Garden: When you’re here, you’re family.”

*My grandma tells the waitress she looks tired*

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I replied, “Well, tell him he’s bloody good – I ain’t got any kids!”

Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband

Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?

Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis

Priest: that’s not really-

Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”

Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this

Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.

Thanks to auto correct, my wife thinks I want to check out Stranger Thongs tonight.

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the name of the woods where robin hood hid out with his merry men?

BUBBA: sherwood forest

FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:
FORREST GUMP:

FORREST GUMP: hey bubba would you please tell me the n

You wanna mess with me, pal? You wanna mess with the saddest man in town? I’ve got a whole crew of sad boys just waiting to burst into tears

I saw an image of Jesus in my breakfast burrito. I asked myself, what would Jesus do? And so I ate him. Two hours later… Holy Shit!

*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me

My son just started telling me about a new Pokémon character. Talk to you guys on Monday.

grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk

Tequila should come with a label saying “this may cause you to pick trash off the interstate in an orange jumpsuit on the weekends.”

“You’re so lucky you’re an adult and can do whatever you want”
-My 8yo, on our way to her 7AM hockey game

I asked the waiter how he was doing, and he told me all about his bad gas and hemorrhoids. Ugh, that’s the last time I go to TMI Friday’s.

[explaining why we got fat]

Friend: I had a baby

Me: I had a donut

[Hillbilly court]

Judge: Yer charged with theft. What were ya thinkin’?

Gary Ray: My wife wanted a mink stole so that’s what i done did

This is deadly serious:

Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”

There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.

There are 233 today.

There will be *5,000* in a week

TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.

Do you think, in a pinch, Jim Henson ever used Kermit as an oven mitt?

*watching the villains on the moon in Superman II*
Daughter: Are they the first to land there?
Me: No – Neil before Zod

[goes to sign up for course on how to handle bad news better]
“sorry, we’re full”
[lights myself on fire]

*Removes smoke detector battery

**Cooks in silence

I can’t believe I got kicked out of chess club. I didn’t realize there were rules, I just thought the pieces fought like action figures. I shouldn’t have brought Wolverine.

How do i tell my physiotherapist that this isn’t an old sports injury but that time i did a coyote ugly dance at the bar and slipped off the table

Goblin: Dude, have you told your family yet?
Ghost: No, they still think I live under the bed.

Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.