And it was upon finishing my 5th glass of wine that I realised that buying a 16 year old male chimpanzee from Facebook marketplace was the best idea I had ever had.
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I’m thinking about getting an arm tattooed on my snake.
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Many people mistakenly believe that diamond is the hardest substance on earth, when in fact its microwaved egg on the sides of this bowl
The first rule of denial club is I can stop anytime I want.
for all you non-native English speakers out there
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
and
“read” is pronounced like “lead”
Justin Bieber has found Jesus which means that Jesus is really great at a lot of things but hiding is not one of them.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
I get it roosters, I scream when I wake up in the morning too
I relate more to “Rice, rice, baby” – because Asian
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
This girl from my hometown just named her baby Brogan and everyone just let it happen
having a therapist is so funny like this is my emotional support 26 year old white girl with a masters degree
Sorry, I left in a separate car when you suggested a romantic drive.
Husband: …
When I was a kid there were two ways to die, natural causes and talking back to your parents
*goes to the gym*
*takes a selfie & posts it on Facebook for the wife to see*
*hurries to the bar*
Does anyone else bring a bag of clever disguises to the grocery store in case there’s a wine sampling booth that day?
There aren’t too many jobs where you sit around the break room and say “Today I got gonorrhea, and last week I got syphilis,” unless you’re library workers talking about recent reference questions.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.
In the early 70s the original members of Kansas broke up and tried to find work with another band, thus coining the famous phrase “Toto, I’ve a feeling we’re not in Kansas anymore.”
If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
Customer service: how can I help you?
Me: yeah, I’d like to change my security question. My favorite kid is now Josh
[a more realistic remake of Paranormal Activity 3]
Boyfriend: ok so I want to capture this ghost stuff and put a camera in your daughters’ bedro—
Real mother: get out.
[credits roll]
bad news gang
Currently binge watching old eclipses to get caught up for tomorrow.
Step 1: Buy a 3D printer.
Step 2: Print a 3D printer.
Step 3: Return the 3D printer.
Can’t, I just saw a Facebook post that said one Thanksgiving dish is going away forever and I have to vote so we don’t lose pie.
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
You don’t even know
