Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

me: whats wrong with this harmonica

cop: thats a breathalyzer

[first day as a detective]

cop: there were no footprints at the crime scene

me: *under breath* birds

In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.

[driving]

Me: I don’t know where we are.

3-year-old: I do. We’re in the car.

I’d like a truly deep-dish pizza. One or two fathoms.

If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.

Why is it wealthy people can refuse to pay their bills and suffer no consequences, but if I don’t pay my electr

Saying “sounds good to me” in a meeting then quickly realising a lot more was expected from you.

my boyfriend has made me vow to not be annoying at the bob dylan concert i don’t want to go to

“We need a machine that can count all these damn geigers.” – guy who invented the geiger counter

It is possible to chew and swallow $80 of shrooms in the length of time it takes the cop to walk from his car to yours.

Me high af: are you in line?

Mannequin:

My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.

Friend looking at my legs: did you get a spray tan?

Me: oh, no. I just wiped my greasy hands off on my legs after eating a whole bag of chips.

me: dating is tough, lot of weirdos out there

me on a date: so here’s everything i know about the jonestown massacre

Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago

trust my gut? the thing that can’t even handle milk?

“Your keys are over THERE.”
– Wow. You have eagle eyes!
“Yup. My vision is 20/20.”
– No. I mean they’re small, beady & kinda close together.

Michael Phelps & I have a combined 19 gold medals & 4 DUI’s.

Luggage rack or cop car is the road trip game you hate to lose

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.

The cake is mightier than the sword.

WIFE: COME AND GET RID OF THIS SPIDER
ME to spider: I told you, you’ll get your money. Leave my family out of this
SPIDER: you’ve got 2days

My 9yo took the time to make this sign rather than just throwing the bag away herself, I’m gonna need a minute

These kids today have it made. When I was growing up and there was a natural disaster, we’d have to go outside and spread our misinformation in person.

How many instruments do you have to be terrible at before you start playing the triangle?

A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt

Dad: *puts arm around my shoulder* Just remember son, if it doesn’t go well it’s always ok to just dust yourself off and try again until you get it right

*his eyes flicker to my younger brother for just a split second too long*