And it’s a gold to my husband for the best dad explanation of Fencing to our 10yr old.
“Fencing is where you have to go and put up a fence, with wood usually..”
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Stop paying your bills and you’ll get the customer service you’re looking for.
Costco is the only place that you can walk out with a Kayak, twenty pounds of meat, jeans, ten bottles of sun lotion and not look ridiculous
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Aww, you “only wish the best for your exes?” That’s cool, I lie about things too.
It took me a good two minutes of trying to figure out why I put the freezer food in the cupboard, before I remembered that I have kids who wanted to help put the groceries away
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
whenever I see “likes her own status” on facebook, a little bit of me dies and becomes a horcrux.
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Eve: I think we should see other people.
Adam: There’s other people here?
Eve: No.
A: What the…
E: Sshh! Don’t make this difficult.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
suddenly remembered when I explained updog to my father and he didn’t even blink, just said “oh, we had something like that when I was a kid, a henway”
“what’s a henway?”
“about five pounds”
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
ME: *showing my new girlfriend my golf clubs* I’ve been playing for years.
HER: Cool. Did you ever get a hole-in-one?
ME: No, they’re made of metal so they’re pretty strong.
HER: I need to see other people
Him: what are you doing with that chocolate cake?
Me: Don’t talk to me or my cake ever again!
My 11 yo noticed my receding hairline and thought it was hilarious. Until I explained how heredity works.
“Oh hey there, didn’t recognize you with your cap on,” I say flirtatiously to my toothpaste.
My wife spent two weeks deciding what color to paint the bathroom. I got a cat on my 9th birthday and named it Cat.
*BF walks in on me surrounded by dozens of empty Reddi Whip cans*
ARE YOU HUFFING AEROSOL?
Me- *Mouth full of whip cream* –
Yeff
Sometimes I look at my children and think, “I helped make those,” and then I just want to apologize for what I’ve unleashed on the world.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
[On the phone with the police for the 7th time in 2 weeks]
“Sir, again, we cannot arrest your cat”
GENIE: u can’t wish for more wishes
ME: i wish u had permanent irritable bowel syndrome
GENIE: *sweating* ha ha then again rules are meant to be broken
Me: (from the back of the ambulance) CHANGE THE RADIO
Medic: Sir you need to conserve your strength
Me: I AM NOT DYING TO A COLDPLAY SONG
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”
I would never drink and drive. I did drink and fight a swan once. Would not recommend.
Me: Did you see that woman’s swim suit?
Husband: The tall brunette? With the black bikini? Carrying a pink bag?
Me: Yes.
Husband:
Me:
Husband: No, I did not.
tried to smoke some salmon but had a really hard time rolling it and i couldn’t really get it to light
Whatisthelongbuttonatthebottomofthekeyboardfor?