And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: *looking fly*
Target self-checkout camera: lol no
me: [has anything]
my cat: were you going to sit on the rest of that
No matter how bad things get I remind myself I could be trapped in a pyramid scheme convinced I’m a business owner.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
*takes pen and notepad from psychiatrist’s hand
“This’ll go quicker if you let me do it.”
I’ve got a bag full of stick figure stickers, and when I see an SUV I add random dudes to their families.
[ascending to heaven] oh wow I can’t believe I made it
[passing heaven by and going towards the sun] ok fair
[hearing burglar noises downstairs, my dog and I exchange worried glances]
Dog: I guess I could protect you?
Me: dude you’ve been in one fight in your life and that was with a blanket
I bought a pair of Undies yesterday.
On the front it says, “I Will do Anything For Love”
..and on the back it says, “But I Won’t do That.”
I’m no scientist, but if that ebola virus is communicable, that means WE CAN TALK TO IT.
I laughed and my gum shot out of my mouth, but I caught it with my hand and my lightning reflexes, so….be a cooler idiot
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
They say dress for the job you want not the job you have so I’m wearing no pants. Boss seems angry tho. She must know I’m looking elsewhere.
Sorry, I can’t, I’m *busy today
*going to the mall to keep walking by the teriyaki place in the food court in different disguises to maximize the free samples
I have 2 small kids, so yes, I bought the Costco-size box of Snackpack chocolate pudding…
to hide in the back of the fridge & eat alone
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
“If that isn’t doing it for you, just give it a little smack. On the bottom. Harder. Little harder. Almost there.”
– The waiter explaining to me how to get ketchup out of the bottle.
a squirt gun filled with tuna water would be a pretty devastating weapon
It’s just really offensive because you know my name isn’t THAT difficult to pronounce and its SO DISRESPECTFUL and I am OUTRA…
friend: your name badge is on upside down
How do you know when you are too drunk to drive?
When you swerve to miss a tree and then realise it was your air freshener..
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
[stares at baby for almost an hour after I’ve finished feeding him]
Wife: he can’t talk, he’s not going to thank you
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
american companies transporting deadly chemicals anywhere
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
I used to workout to get laid. Now its to impress whoever will be performing my autopsy.
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.