And Jesus said “If the lepers cannot afford healthcare, let them suffer, for poverty is a character issue.”
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[first day as a torturer]
Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.
Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
Put a kid in a lake or a river and they never want to come out. Turn on a shower and it’s like you’re blasting them with nuclear waste.
My 3 year old has been on the other side of the door knocking and making me “guess who” for five minutes. I’m usually pretty good at acting surprised time after time, but the glass door is really straining my theatrical skills.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
Netflix: Let’s charge extra per user on the account.
Other Streaming Services: *rubbing hands together* Yessss..you do that.
Forever in awe of dads who eat at buffets like they have a personal vendetta against the owners. They’re out there trying to bankrupt those guys by getting 14 plates of orange chicken
Someone asked me if I’d choose potatoes over cake. Buddy I’d choose potatoes over democracy.
Wasted my annual good hair day at work again this year.
My television roles include “Fleeing Suspect” on Season 3 of Cops and “Jubilant Non Father” on Season 7 of the Maury Povich Show.
Yesterday I watched Rogue One, featuring a cameo from Carrie Fisher.
One hour later she was dead.
So today I’ll be watching Home Alone 2.
FOR SALE: golden retriever puppies don’t worry they are not haunted. also they don’t have swords. no ghosts or swords. ok i lied they are full of ghosts and wielding so many swords
“Every dog has his day,” they used to say. Still, no one was quite prepared that morning Emperor Mister Pickles marched his army into town.
Someone die? Time to get high!
Come on down to Barry’s Death Emporium where we put the FUN in funeral and the RAVE in grave!
(BYO shovel)
Hey dude, there’s 10 empty urinals in here no need to stand right next to…
And now he’s talking to me!Someone call 911!
[1987]
Me: Tell me my future.
Psychic: You’ll have a phone that costs $800.
M: So I’m rich?
P: *a laugh escapes from her nostrils* Nope.
Like an octopus negotiating a roomful of toddlers, I negotiate a roomful of toddlers.
The worst feeling is when you miss someone but you can’t even tell them you miss them because they are a pizza.
I really love sarcasm.
It’s like punching people in the face but with words.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot yesterday…
it caused severe pain…
to… ma… toes…
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
diet tip: eat all your meals in front of a industrial fan
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
NEW PARENTS: if your baby is still in diapers, make things simpler and safer by never having chocolate pudding in the house
I used to teach a workshop at a prison and one time I took a Lyft to get there and the driver won’t stop talking to me about the stock market.
Then he asked “so what are you up to today?” And I said “nothing much. Just turning myself in” and the way this man went silent. 10/10
My husband bought harmonicas for our kids and now I need to find a new family
Billion dollar idea.
A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell “I’m just cooking!”
CAR GPS: turn left
PHONE GPS: turn right
C: who was that?
ME: just a friend
P: just a friend?
ME: wait
C: make an illegal U-turn
ME: babe