Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

*tries to turn on TV*

TV: I have a boyfriend

Reverse cowboy is when you scatter the herd and actively promote bandits and wolves to take what they will.

Every once in a while you feel like someone is watching out for you, and it’s not the sniper on the roof

GIRLFRIEND: Hold on, Dan’s calling.

ME: Tell him I said, “Hi.” He’ll know what it means.

GIRLFRIEND: …I assume it means “Hi.”

ME: Yeah I didn’t say he was the only one who’d know what it means.

Oh men definitely want to strangle me, just not in a sexy way.

When complaining of a stomach ache, you don’t really need to point to it or pat it gently. People pretty much know where the stomach is.

I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.

If I had a dollar for every time my dad questioned my sexuality I could afford a bad ass Harley and probably some super cute riding boots

Used ACME paint on an accent wall and now there’s a highway running through my living room.

Wife: wtf is this pile of clothes doing on the floor?

Me: I struck down a Jedi.

W: god I hate you.

M: yes, use your hate

[reading bedtime stories]

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: spot.

Daughter: what’s her name?

Me: daisy.

Daughter: what’s his name?

Me: [sigh] I don’t know, brian.

Wife: what are you reading?

Me: 101 Dalmatians.

Wife: lol [closes door].

Daughter: what’s his na-

My kid told me that school today was “bad” and “sooo boring” and all because a teacher said he wasn’t allowed to catch lizards at recess

I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I tell her there’re no throw pillows in heaven.

[trying to impress my date] order whatever u want

her: i’ll have the lobster

waiter: [noticing i am pointing a gun at him under the table] we uh. we don’t have lobster

Friend: We adopted our dog one year ago.

Me: I always suspected that because it doesn’t look like either of you.

Whenever I utter the word ‘sober’ I wash my mouth out with alcohol.

[awkwardly waving to another killer as we dump bodies in the same forest]

I would offer to wisk you away on a forbidden, sin filled vacation, but I just paid for an airport mixed drink instead…

Had a breakthrough with my therapist yesterday.

Never seen a man cry like that before.

I’ve gained a couple lbs so I went and bought some new granny panties and I’ve gotta say if there’s a fire at our house my 7yr old can use those suckers to parachute from the top floor to safety.

me: i’ve been flirting with this guy for weeks and he doesn’t know i’m alive

friend: flirting how?

me: i retweeted him two times what do i have to do…throw myself at him??

Dog’s confession but adopted a full pedigree “failed” Border Collie sheepdog from a farm. Took him to sister-in-law’s place who had a footstool made of real sheep’s wool. Turns out reason he’s a “failed” sheepdog is coz he’s scared of sheep. Apparently even sheep’s wool is scary

2011: The world’s gonna end next year…like probably….bc of something w the Mayans

People: *freaking out*

2019: There is SCIENTIFIC PROOF that Global Warming is rapidly destroying life as we know it, and we need change, fast.

People: lol ok

😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️

I don’t know why parents complain about cereal on the floor, the crunching sound is a dead giveaway when the kids go into the kitchen to get an unauthorized snack.

[20 minutes after it stops raining]

ME: *turns off windshield wipers*

*Asks soulmate*
What is your dream car and why?

Minivan, because the sliding door <joining in> MAKES IT EASIER FOR DRIVE-BY BAZOOKA ATTACKS

If you’ve got one of those video doorbells, don’t be surprised if I do a tight seven-minute set on your porch.