and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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[first day as a barista]
ME: large coffee ready for a *squints to read* nice hole
NICHOLE: oh come on
Establish dominance over old people by yelling BINGO when you don’t really have it
sneezy geese carry a honkerchief
I love the smell of my shampoo. Except when it’s coming from my suitcase.
after a certain point in life the “walk of shame” is about a plunger
You don’t see many dog librarians. Probably because of the barking.
My pal said, “Cheer up, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”
I know he means well.
Dear makers of women’s clothing, Pants pockets should be like poetry: DEEP ENOUGH TO BE MEANINGFUL.
Another useless change! I’m leaving this app. I just can’t stick around through another update. See you guys back here in an hour.
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
All I want for Christmas is you.
Buried in my backyard.
[fancy restaurant]
ME: *combs my beard with a fork*
HER: what the hell man
ME: oh shit did I use the wrong one?
I sure hope skinny jeans are still in fashion. After all the calories I consumed over the holidays that’s what all my pants are now.
I sign all my coworker’s birthday cards, “Please know, this does not mean we’re friends” just to avoid any future awkwardness.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
That last arrested development season was pretty bad but I still laugh thinking of this cut that is supposed to be seconds after the previous season ended but can’t mask the 6 years production gap
the Oscars should show a clip of an actor in their movie AND THEN another clip of what the actor’s like in real life so we can see just how much they acted
My only goal for today is to try to find a food that doesn’t taste better with butter.
What the fire inspector sees when he opens my office closet.
This is just an IMMACULATE use of Reddit. Peak app performance.
Summer is the best because there’s always a chance I’ll see someone trip on their own flip flop
[Cat outside bathroom door]
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
LET ME IN
I’M DYIIIIING
Oh
Hi there
Thanks for letting me-
I’m bored
I want out
LET ME OUT
Organ harvesting really creeps me out, so I’m doing what I can to make mine unsalvageable.
“Hey, wanna lie to each other over cups of coffee?” – First dates
[Pre-School pick up]
Wife: what did you learn today?
Me: the highest waterfall in the world is actually in the ocean.
Wife: I was talking to our Daughter.
Daughter: snakes got no legs.
Me: [visibly upset] everyone knows that already.
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
*walks up to Harvard with an avocado* one law degree please
Battery falling down a hole