and jesus said, “there was only one set of footprints because sandpeople always ride single file to hide their numbers.”
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Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
The average person eats 35,000 cookies before they die.
I think it would take far less if you tried to do that amount in one sitting.
Due to the economy, I am handing out condiment packs I have collected from my delivery orders. 🤷🏻♂️
If you tell me your kid is 22 months and I buy it a beer, that’s on you. That is your bad.
going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
You don’t really know true fear until you’re headed to work to teach at a middle school after you tried cutting your own bangs
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
Finally had ‘The Talk’ with my kids last night.
Told them some animals eat their young, so they’d better get their shit together before dinner
Hubs: You didn’t do anything today did you?
Me: I did the dishes.
Hubs: There was only one.
Me: Fine I did THE dish. Happy?
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
why does PayPal sound vaguely threatening
[after a fight]
Enjoy your peanuts and raisins, I whisper, eating all the M&Ms from the trail mix.
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
Breakfast: 300 calories
Lunch: 400 calories
Dinner: 600 calories
Evening Snack: 2,400,000 calories
“I’m so tired of that little piece of cheese.”
-My gramma, talking about SpongeBob
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Me: No more questions your honor
Judge: The lawyers say that, not you
Elon Musk made $180M when PayPal was acquired in 2002.
He put $100M in SpaceX, $70M in Tesla, and $10M in Solar City. He borrowed money for rent.
Now, he’s worth $190 billion.
The greatest entrepreneurs aren’t driven by money; it’s a byproduct of success.
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Withholding sex from you people isn’t working.
My drink of choice is vodka because I never recovered from those images of people stomping on grapes with their bare feet
sloth: *arriving at his prison cell*
prison guard: ok you’re free to go
Many hands make light work
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me: WTF all the shelves are empty
sales guy: yeah this is Ikea
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
I truly wonder what it sounded like when Medusa washed her hair at night.
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.
be myself? the person who got me into this mess????