Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I like to think I’m a nice guy, but I will throat punch anyone who tries to beat me to the buffet table. Sorry gram gram, but them’s the rules.

Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.

My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.

my bf had a bad experience getting a sub the other day where they put an ungodly amount of mayo on his sandwich and then that night he was talking in his sleep like “that’s plenty…. that enough may—“ homie was having stress dreams about mayo

Would you wear it?

Of course I can cook.
What kind of cereal would you like?

healthy as a horse? they literally can’t walk down the street without shitting themselves but sure, ok

ME: I don’t know about your cat but mine is an absolute angel

MY CAT: *releases one of the hostages*

me and my boys moving from one free sample station to another at costco

Spilling your powder while wearing black isn’t the worst thing that could happen to you in the morning.
It’s definitely up there though.

me: so.. you know how you sometimes misplace stuff

wife: where’s the baby

Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.

Senator Clinton, what will you do now?

Hillary: Divorce Bill.

my 7 year old said Batman was his favorite animal and it was too late to switch mine

be the person your targeted ads think you should be

My heart skips a beat and my hands clench. Lips quivering, I lower my gaze to the ground. Faced with the truth, the disappointment I feel rips through my gut like the sharpest of blades. I HAVE DROPPED MY CHEESE.

Dear Religion,

Pics or it didn’t happen.

Love, Science

Just gonna eat a cookie and reflect on this

I need you to fill my water bowl but I’m also going to stand directly in your path and trip you 7 times before you can get to the sink.

– Dogs

Cop: where were you between 5 and 6?

Robber: kindergarten probably

ME: hey look it’s a *forgets the word snail* worm turtle

I was nerding out to a friend over something Harry Potter related in the pub and now the bartender keeps asking me “what can I get you, Gryffindork?”

DATE: I love heavy metal

ME: [trying to impress] My Dad was crushed by iridium

If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too

Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves at the same time he does.

You’re drunk and trying to outrun the cops on horseback but they eventually catch you because it turns out you’re just on a carousel

Is there a term yet for the now-rampant stores with
-tiny succulents
-$300 sack dresses
-ceramics with boobs on them
-macrame
-palo santo sticks
-geometric gold earrings
-letterpress cards
-at least 3 items w/questionable arrow/feather/tipi imagery
I’m ready to make a bingo card

You don’t have to buy high thread count sheets. Just buy cheap sheets and use them for 20 years. Like butter, I tell you.

Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.