And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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As confused as an atheist who’s stuck behind a car that isn’t moving at a green light & has a bumper sticker that says ‘Honk if you love God
Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
When I see a parked car with the stick figure family on it, I move the husband over and put my studly stick figure next to the wife.
Nice try, resealable potato chip bags.
Anakin: …is it possible to learn this power?
Palpatine: *grins* not from a Jedi. Which is why I use SkillShare. SkillShare is an online learning community where you can learn—and teach—just about anything. Get two months of Skillshare Premium for free with coupon code “SHEEV”
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
<guitar riff>
Singer: Ya-aahh-aaahh-weee-aaaa-oooo-roooo-aaahhYeah, I felt that.
Your reply guys are like Pooh Bear. They wear no pants and are relentlessly trying to get in your honeypot.
A Norwegian version of the idiom “like a fish out of water” translates to “like a Dane on skis.” And an old Norwegian phrase for someone sneaking out of a party without saying bye is “making a Swede of oneself.” Conversely, a Finnish euphemism for vomiting is “speaking Norwegian”
No matter how much I mature, I can’t find a haircut that doesn’t make me look like a baby bird begging for worms.
I’m exhausted. There was a local FB person who posted an angry rant about not liking people who use “fowl language” & you have NO idea how much self-discipline it took for me yesterday to NOT respond with a comment full of bird puns.
me: what’s the difference between an american and an australian spider?
date: i don’t know
me: one is a spider you idiot
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
[at the grocery store] yes i would like one grocery please
[Googling instructions for disarming a bomb]
For me, disarming bombs is indelibly linked to afternoons spent in my grandmother’s kitchen, watching her carefully iron the parchment paper that the nitroglycerin came bound in (to be reused at Christm
[Hurried scrolling]
Have kids they said, they definitely won’t lose your right AirPod in the yard and run it over with the lawn mower they said.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
Best convo of the last 5 yrs:I explained to my son that his friend’s Mum had become a man: “You can do that?””Yes””Then I wanna be a dragon”
If you haven’t met someone, don’t despair.
There are plenty of salmon in the cannon.
“you look nervous” thanks i’ve been practicing my whole life
The more you learn about Ebola, the more terrifying it is
Instead of presents, give your kids “presence.” Then explain how homonyms can be hilarious. Then leave forever.
If being hydrated is such a great thing, why does it feel like my bladder is pissed off?
I hired a person to randomly show up throughout the day and put baskets of bread on my desk.
piñata: harder daddy
me: [lifts blindfold] what
piñata: let me wear the blindfold
“I’m calling you because you’re easy.”
“You’re not even very good.”
“You’re just the best I can do this late.”Dominos: “Your order, Sir?”
HIM: If you’re upset that people think you’re weird, have you tried being less weird?
ME: [eating ice cream with chopsticks] Yes.
Making my boyfriend stop everything he’s doing to look at a picture of a really big lemon i saw in 2019. and then he has to go “that’s such a big lemon” or else I will act weird for 7 hours
True crime was invented to remind people that life could be worse
Him: A nap? Really?
Me: It’s not me. I have two wolves inside me and they want a nap.
Him:
Me: I’m a responsible owner and let them nap.
Him: Guess they like pizza, too.
Me: What do you have against wolves?
A stranger was knocking on my door so naturally I hid, but then we locked eyes and she started knocking on my window. Thought this was common knowledge but if you’re knocking on a door and you see the person crouching under their window like an idiot turtle, no one’s home.