And just then, Frodo realized he’d forgotten to charge his Fitbit before leaving The Shire.
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If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
You name it, my mother knows somebody who died of it.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
Cashier: That will be $82.07.
Me: I’d like to use my 8 trillion rewards points towards this.
Cashier: That will be $82.03.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Yous guys keep her distracted. I do the rest. Got it?
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Me: dude I don’t need this sort of negativity in my life right now
Bear attacking me: [bear noises]
date: this is so romantic
me: just the two of us
date: and the stars
me: and the moon
the moon: *winks at my date*
me: *narrowing eyes* son of a-
When Miley Cyrus is naked and licks a hammer it’s “art” and “music” , but when I do it I’m “wasted” and “have to leave the Hardware Store”
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
My kid has the wildest imagination, there isn’t even a wait when she’s playing doctor
[cruising down highway in friend’s car with windows down]
me: [opens bag of glitter]
When people don’t say thank you for my holding a door open for them, it’s not a big deal. I simply run ahead to the next door they’re about to go through and tightly hold it shut.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
[Picking up a prescription]
Pharmacist: Wait. You’re Rodney Lacroix?
Me: Um. Yes.
Pharmacist: I’ve heard you’re funny.
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me:
Pharmacist:
Me: Well, right now I feel like I’m dying so can I have my prescription?
Pharmacist: omg you’re hysterical
IKEA is a great place to hear “Babe?” 10,000 times in one afternoon.
When I wake up at night,
I reach out to you,
I love you not for what you look like
I love you for what you have inside.(Me to my fridge)
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
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My friend just ordered a kale and quinoa salad and a side of eggplant fries and now I’m blinded by whiteness.
Our youngest is making herself a smoothie so long story short does anyone know how to clean blueberries off your ceiling?
The best murder weapon would be a tupperwear lid because nobody would ever find it
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Jogging has never helped my memory.
This salad I’m having for lunch tastes a lot like I’m having a greasy burger and onion rings for dinner.
Remember to set your wireless bra to ‘airplane mode’ before take off.
5:00 pm: birds are amazing, I wish I had more time to enjoy nature
5:00 am: I want to murder every living bird
Generation gap…
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Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night