And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
Me: This job seems really dangerous!
Him: The last three didn’t think so God rest their souls
Fact: in the wild, gorillas can go hours without checking their phones for notifications.
Me: [Making an alarmingly bad decision after making a lot of good choices for a while] treat yourself
[Batman villain naming meeting]
Ok, name the guy who asks all the riddles.
“The Riddler?”
GENIUS! OK, how about the woman dressed as a cat?
no, i mean. its great toast. i just didnt expect it to be french
Hay is for horses. Hey is for when you forget someone’s name.
Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!
My 61-year-old stepmom loves your product, Mark Zuckerberg.
*walks in at 3am*
Wife: OMG, what happened?
Me: I was attacked.[front door 5hrs later]
Neighbor: What happened to our inflatable Santa?
[commercial for soup]
Have you ever wanted to eat regular food only with water poured all over it?
NARRATOR: SOUP
dentist: it’s important that you don’t scratch your enamel. understand?
me: yes
dentist: great. now open wide so i can claw your teeth with these steel hooks
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
Pilgrim: What the hell is that?
Native American: Don’t ask us. We thought you brought it.
– The first green bean casserole.
I don’t pick my nose in the car. I’m worried the airbag will deploy and force my finger into my brain.
I stopped swearing, because kids. Then I started swearing, because kids.
The recipe said “prick with a fork,” but enough about me.
JUMPER ON BRIDGE: Stay back, I just want to end it all
GOOD COP: Please, you don’t have to do this
CAT COP: *slowly pushes him off bridge*
I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
Walked into the donut shop in my ski mask and the cashier started to empty the register into a bag, I had to stop her and tell her I just wanted all the donuts.
they should schedule doctor appts like
DOORS 8:15
Nurse 8:25
Doctor 8:40
christ, it is impossible for anyone to be on a ghost hunting show and not have it be hilarious
it’s just something about the genre that makes people wander around in the dark shouting angrily at ghosts on nightvision and then screaming and running away when a door creaks
10 out of 10 babies hate my baby launcher
I’m not waiting until I’m a ghost to tell people ‘get out of my house’ in a creepy voice
[Me using a ouija board]
-Where are you communicating from?
T A S M A N I A
-Oh shit we called the wrong devils
ME: *holding door wide open for her*
HER: Are you saying I’m fat?
The Internet makes things so convenient. Before it existed, if you wanted to order a DVD online, you had to invent the Internet.
Rock paper scissors but it’s just Dwayne Johnson scrapbooking