And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
I Tokyo drifted around a corner on black ice this morning and now I gotta swing back home for some fresh underwear happy Friday
[comedy club]
GIRAFFE: What’s the deal with scarves?
TORTOISE: [in the audience] lmao this guy gets it
SOUND GUY: [taps microphone] this is a test, testing, testing…1, 2, 3..
MICROPHONE: [sweatig profusley] OH GOD, UH. FOUR?!! FOUR, IS IT FOUR
Stop burning bridges. They’re not even good kindling. Just use sticks.
If we just refer to ISIS as “Nickelback” maybe nobody will want to join them
Sent my husband nudes and he asked me which mole I was worried about.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird
If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?
“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”
I was watching a show for about 10 minutes, and this lady was listing all of these great things to do for fun. Then I realized that it’s one of the religious channels, and she was reading a list of sins
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
Colossal ancient god: YOUR SACRIFICE?
Me: *frantically googling “gift ideas”*
What’s it called when no one can dance but everyone dances?
A good wedding reception
my daughter responded to my two paragraph text message with a thumbs up. Parenting books don’t explain how to deal with this level of disrespect
My child will plan a thousand activities for after school then come home and sit in her pants watching cartoons for hours instead so I guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the tree
me: omg I love these *leans in* Alexa, hello. hello Alexa. can you hear me?
son: Dad, that’s grandma’s urn
Me, a 40-year-old woman: I really hope I get an A on my daughter’s second grade school project
My family is driving me more nuts than usual. If you find me wandering the streets in a daze, please don’t return me home.
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
(Face painter at kid’s birthday party): …and what shall I paint on your face?
Me: Enthusiasm.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
honey I’m home
wife: how was your first night class
well [hangs up suit of armor] not good
Y’all!! I’m dying I ordered delivery to my hotel and here they have a robot that takes it up to you. The robot got here and then REFUSED to give me my food and instead just said “going home now” and drove off. Haha the future is WILD y’all
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Forever 21 has gone bankrupt.
One more Forever that didn’t last.
There’s no way you can prove to me that pterodactyls didn’t pronounce the p
Dude 1: “Hey bro?”
Dude 2: “Yeah bro?”
Dude 1: “Can you hand me that pamphlet?”
Dude 2: “Brochure”
ME: I thought only old people got that
DOCTOR:
ME:
DOCTOR:
ME: Oh…
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason