And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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My husband just told me to relax, like he doesn’t remember we’re camping in the desert and I brought a shovel.
therapist: and how do we react to conflict?
me: with sarcasm?
therapist: try again
me: oh sry how’s this? dEfInItElY nOt WiTh SaRcAsM
therapist: much better
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Show him Edna..
[mum stops slicing carrots]
*starts violently gagging until a baby slides out her mouth*
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
How long will it take my husband to get to the acceptance part of the grief process after learning that the dryer he fixed 10 minutes ago is broken again?
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
It took me 2 whiskeys to remember I know how to do karate.
The Exorcist (1973): a child is possessed by a demon. Hilarity ensues.
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
I lied and told someone, “I can’t go to your party I have diarrhea.” I actually do have diarrhea but historically that hasn’t stopped me
Me: So my husband —
First grader: You have a husband?
Me: I do, the whole time you’ve known me.
First grader: Oh. I always thought you were feral.
Me: Er, do you mean ‘single’?
First grader: Whatever the word is that you use for stray cats.🙀
If you’ve ever referred to yourself as a “diva” there is a 100% chance at least one person you know has fantasized about murdering you.
[cop directing traffic holds up hand for me to stop] Ok but I’m stopping bc I want to not bc you told me to
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
*enters contest*
Contest: “Wrong hole.”
Before I had a dog I never realized how much chicken was on the sidewalk
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
Please stop calling it carpal tunnel syndrome. It sounds pathetic and weak . What I have is gamer stigmata
Was very impressed with the air and space museum. Was not expecting all the planes. I thought it was just going to be a big empty building based on the name. But I get it now.
Raygun walking away from the Olympic venue and breakdancing perfectly as soon as she’s around the corner
A Covid test nurse asked if I’ve had a sudden loss of taste. I told her, “No, I’ve dressed like this for quite a while.”
Word!
don’t bring a knife to a gun fight okay then explain bayonets to me.
Your Honor, could we take a recess in this Zoom hearing? I need to break up a cat fight.