And ladies, keying cars is very 2010 lol all you need to do is ask to drive his car and you take it and speed pass every speed camera in your city. And just return his car back to him like nothing happened.
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I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
Don’t tell me about Stockholm Syndrome, I woke up at 6 AM on my first day of vacation wondering how things were going at work.
The way my dog is whimpering while he sleeps, I bet he’s dreaming of a squirrel riding on the back of a vacuum cleaner brandishing nail clippers
me: sorry, but 40 is NOT too old to date!
wife: this has nothing to do with your age
I just overheard someone threaten that they were going to “put their foot down”. What kind of threat is that unless you’re Godzilla?
The balloon at the gender reveal party popped into a cloud of green smoke so I guess my friends are having a Baby Yoda.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
Dishwasher broke, so now I’m washing them all by hand like some sort of motherless Disney Princess.
life was pretty difficult for me before Legally Blonde taught society to stop discriminating against hot blonde women
My kids said they wanted to try something new this summer so I showed them how to vacuum & do laundry.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
My brother: You’re the closest thing to family I’ve got.
Me: Wtf?
People are always saying “not today, Satan” but what if we just hear him out
lieutenant: we did it, after all these years we caught the floppy disk bandit
officer: lol wtf is a floppy disk
floppy disk bandit: *intense sobbing*
Sure she mainly used knife emojis but at least she replied to your text.
Pluto is no longer a planet, and the U.S. might have a 51st state soon.
Looks like 3rd grade was a total waste of time.
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
Canada Post is increasing stamp prices for the third time in five years. It’s so bad, customers have threatened to start emailing.
Why must I prove that I am me to pay my bills over the phone?
Do strangers call to pay my bills?
And if they do, why don’t you let them?
If they worked, nobody would own more than one self-help book.
Me: How could you do this?
Her: I just felt like you needed to know
Me: I’ve completely lost trust
Her: I know this is hard
Me: But wrestling? Fake? I’m devastated.
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
My dad asked Alexa to turn on the lights and she started singing “Old MacDonald” instead
This makes the third woman in the house who won’t listen to him
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
[pulls out acoustic guitar at a funeral]
alright everyone stop being all [finger quotes] sad this next 1 is dedicated to a very sexy widow.
My wife found a spider in the shower.
Anyway, the open house is this Saturday if you’re interested.
Go to Heaven for the climate, Hell for the company.
To the girl with the nazi swastika avi that just rt’d me…… You just rt’d a Jew!!!! Enjoy your evening shalom
told my kid to sign my boyfriend’s birthday card
