Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I finally figured out what flies and mosquitoes are for. They’re gods way of making us slap ourselves.

Anyone got a 10 year old daughter I could introduce as mine?

Stuck in an elaborate lie after putting my music on shuffle at a party.

One good thing about astrology, I can tweet something mean about astrology and astrology Twitter is cool with it. Like I can say, “Cut it out, astrology, you’re embarrassing the planets,” and it gets retweeted 10,000 times, and astrology Twitter is just like: “Are you a Scorpio?”

waiter: what’ll it be?

cow: grass

horse: grass

sheep: grass

pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles

Misery loves company.
Company: “I have a boyfriend.”

My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…

Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”

couple beside me in restaurant are on a blind date; they both love dogs, sushi, and looking at Tinder while the other one is in the restroom

[How the rap feud started]

Me: can u invite all the rappers to my b’day party?

2pac: sure, no biggie

Biggie[eavesdropping]: [wipes tears]

If the Amish don’t use curse words, how does Amish Tourette’s sound?

“Beards!”
“Churning Butter!”
“Bonnets!”

I’m so out of shape, I bring my phone to the mailbox in case I need an Uber to get back.

Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?

[work meeting]
This is Jim, our new office manager but so far all he’s managed to do is get diabetes & lose a couple of custody battles.

guy in this cafe has been trying to chat to two young girls and when he asked where they were from and what they were doing in liverpool they dramatically revealed that they’re doing mormon missionary work and are now trying to convert him. never seen a power move like it

I’m sorry for the things I said when I was trying to get the printer to work

Me: *standing on the subway platform*

Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”

[me telling my story how I survived a plane crash and lived on a deserted island for a year] it was crazy
[friend who once got a text from me where I accidentally called the grinch the grink] was the grink there?

I am so tired of living like it’s the 1600s. Can I afford eggs at the market? Are my friends gonna die in the plague? Puritans coming for my sinful lifestyle. I want some modern problems. Modern Problems

It’s important when dieting to reward yourself and take a break. Then, when you return to your diet a decade later you’re all set to go

god: you’re a pig

pig: huh

god: you’re filthy

pig: yeesh

god: you eat slop from a trough

pig: c’mon

god: you stink

pig: ok ok, guy, i get it.. but this should save me from being food myself tho, no?

god: here’s the thing

Her: ‘We should have another kid.’

Me: *puts on Teletubbies marathon*
‘Say that again in 6 hours.’

Your “COEXIST” sticker inspired me to slip a Madagascar hissing cockroach through your car window at the mall. Peace.

Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us

Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no

I’ll never understand people who talk on the phone in a public restroom, because even if you aren’t planning on flushing at some point, I am.

I have this awesome app that shows me what I would look like as a fat person. It’s called Camera.

Overheard:

“You like Dragon Ball? Who’s your favorite character?”

“Um… Steve. Steve Dragonball.”

baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –

baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!

Her: Who ate all the ice cream?

Me: *blaming the dog* Reese

Her: What? How?

Me: Witherspoon

an alarm clock that sounds like a cat throwing up in your bed

I can’t believe they have an entire Clinic just for studying Mayo.

[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.