And like the migratory pattern of the white-crowned sparrow, the last roll of toilet paper makes its journey from bathroom to bathroom.
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“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.
I just watched an ad for a stain remover in which they cleaned a pool of blood off a sofa and it seemed perfectly normal.
Being a parent means when you actually manage to find a pair of scissors they’re mysteriously sticky
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
Missed connections: I was the guy in the Subaru listening to NPR; You were the river I briefly considered driving into.
Caught my cats filing nuisance lawsuits again.
It is easier to pass a camel through the eye of a needle than it is to convince somebody online that they are wrong.
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
This guy told me he spoke Swedish and then spoke Swedish and tbh I have no way of knowing if he was lying.
People out there are trying to contact the dead and you’re telling me you can’t text back?
shaggy: help my gf caught me cheating
rikrok: *screams absolute gibberish*
shaggy: this is serious she has me on video
rikrok: say it wasn’t u?
shaggy: ok i’m gonna go
Ugh, stalkers are horrible.
You’d think SOMEONE could’ve let me know I was out of toilet paper.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
COWORKER: donuts in the break room want me to grab you one?
ME: no thanks i’m on a diet
CW: are you sur-
M: OK BUT I’LL JUST HAVE THREE
Everyone got SO MAD when I started singing Gravity during the movie! Like I’m sorry but I PAID to be here. It’s not my fault Wicked was sold out and I had to see Gladiator II.
#winning
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.
guy inventing chess: this is an allegory for the medieval system of monarchy
guy inventing checkers: hoppity hop, hop hop hop
Waiter: Here is your salmon.
Me: I didn’t order this
Waiter: it’s from the gentleman at the bar
*I look over at the bar and a grizzly bear winks and lifts his glass*
Satan: Welcome to hell, where it’s hot and never not! Any questions?
Me: Yeah, where’s the second circle? They’re expecting me.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
I’m not drunk enough for this
*gets drunk
I’m too drunk for this
Left water in the car in case I was thirsty & now I can boil pasta in my mouth.
Good cop: Just relax
Moody cop: OMG, you again? I hate you, but I kinda misssed you, why don’t you call anymore? You’re going to jail
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.