Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Times are tough. My hot soup delivered on a unicycle business is filing for bankruptcy.

Since summer is almost over here’s a list of all the places I got to visit:

1. Work

[thrift store]

Me: I’d like one thrift, please

Cashier: sir, we sell used-

Me: money is no object

C: we don’t-

M: I need a thrift

Ever think vampires just lied about hating garlic now we’re just out here seasoning ourselves for them?

Whoever has my voodoo doll can you give it a job

Wife: Whatcha doing?
Me: Re-enacting Noah’s Ark.
W: How?
M: I’m gonna try to fit 2 of every animal cracker in my mouth.
W: Idiot.
M: Mmmrrf.

Me: I wish Inigo Montoya appeared everytime “literally” is misused and did his “You keep saying that word“ bit
Genie: That ones on the house

Seems like I can’t even sit on a park bench anymore without someone’s henchman sneaking by to swap briefcases

Everything is made in China. Except babies. Babies are made in vaChina.

*pats crying child on the back*
“There, there”
*child keeps crying*
“Did you not just hear when I said, ‘There, there’? Shut up, already”

Shot pool with my 15yo son.

Taught him a valuable lesson.

You can restart a video game 1000 times.

You can only lose your allowance once.

I wished I loved anything as much as my wife loves inspecting the pots and pans I wash by hand.

why are they throwing soup at paintings when my mouth is right here

The program was great. Not only did we have a yabba dabba doo time but we had a gay old time.

[donut shop]

me: I’ll take a bear claw

*loud roar from the back*

me: never mind, I’ll take a glaze

I am SO DONE WITH MEN. Most of them, anyway. At least one of them. I am SO DONE WITH AT LEAST ONE OF THE MEN.

All my life, I never thought I’d wake up at 6am to go jogging…and I was right.

There’s always someone who says “must be nice” when they hear a coworker is off from work and like…my guy, you know you can take days off too right?

HER: Are you a dog or cat person?
BRAIN:*be cool, she seems pretty great*
ME: Whatever you want to eat is fine.
BRAIN: *nailed it*

GYM TIP: Work out smart, not hard!

A lot of people at the gym go and lift the big weights. But actually, the small weights are lighter and much easier to lift.

People who say “go big or go home” seriously underestimate my willingness to go home. Like, it’s literally my only goal for most of the day.

No more eating spaghetti while driving and this time I mean it.

[First ever date]

ME: I just didn’t feel a spark

CAVEWOMAN: a what?

The internet is amazing, especially for when you really want to fight with strangers about politics or snack choices.

If you text your boss that you can’t come in and include the poop emoji, he doesn’t ask any questions.

Me: check out this new gadget. It carbonates anything!

Friend: cool

Me: yeah even blood

Friend: um I gotta go

Me: lol no you’re staying

Husband: you might want to start adding an occasional LOL
or I’m kidding
or smiley emoji
or I love you into your texts…

so if anything ever happens to me it throws off the investigation.

Stood up by two different men, two days in a row… what’s a girl gotta do to get a quote on a new roof these days.

Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*