“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
Just found some of Moo Deng’s old tweets and woof it’s not looking good
What do you mean they lied? Pfft. You can’t lie on the internet.
Imagine owning a dragon…now set yourself on fire, because that’s what it would be like to own a dragon.
Idiots
Me: It’s time to get ready for school.
Kid: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!?
Me: Dude, this shouldn’t come as a surprise. You’ve been doing this every day for 10 years now.
[6 hours later]
Kid: What are we having for dinner?
Me: UUUGGGGHHH NOOO WHYYYY?!
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”
[Elementary School sends out the “time to check lost and found for your child’s missing items” annual email…]
Me: Hello, U-haul…Me again…Imma need your biggest truck
*Texting*
HIM: Do you have any snacks?
ME: In my panty.
H: Lol, you misspelled “pantry.”
M: Nope.
I like to dye my hair when I stay in hotel rooms to make the housekeepers believe I’m on the run.
I’m getting tired of always having to slowly raise my hand every time someone angrily asks, “Who does something like that?!”
[packing for holiday]
WIFE: U don’t have to only put suits in a suitcase
ME: [putting underwear in briefcase] I don’t make the rules Karen
Thanks for the Christmas card featuring the ultrasound photo.
Here’s one of my family gathered around an MRI of my knee.
teen me: I just wanna find a girl who’s nice and pretty and smart and kind
40s me: who wants to get freaky with mayonnaise, no weirdos
It’s such bullshit when someone tweets something and gets like 50 stars and RTs then I tweet the exact same thing verbatim and get no love.
An uber eats driver just sent me a thank you for a tip on an order I placed three weeks ago and I really resonate with that level of procrastination
I got mad when my gum lost its flavor. I chewed it out.
MY WIFE DIVORCED ME BECAUSE SHE DOESN’T BELIEVE MY TESLA AUTODRIVES ME TO THE GAY BAR AND THEN TURNS ITSELF OFF, CAUSING ME TO HAVE TO SPEND 4 HOURS IN THERE ASKING FOR A RIDE HOME
5 second rule? I’ll take a pill that’s been under the fridge since last March
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Distance is my jam, solitude is my peanut butter.
Haven’t done a pushup in years. Doesn’t seem right with what’s been going on in the world
GIRLFRIEND: How am I gonna tell my dad I’m pregnant?
ME: Leave that to me.
[later, at dinner]
HER DAD: *grabs chest* I’m having a heart attack.
ME: Oh no! Grandpa’s 😉 having a heart attack 😉
okay, so you’re definitely the best at keeping your body completely still, what do you want, atrophy?
I hope you folks are recycling correctly
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
Sorry I gave you a sympathy card at your baby shower, but… well you’ll see soon enough.