Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.

I ate a shepherd’s pie for lunch. He was pretty upset about it.

please dont announce your new job. im on twitter trying to have a good time and to spread misinformation

Did you know if you send a fancy iPhone emoticon to a non-iPhone user, it just shows up as a middle finger?

I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.

Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.

entitled millennials are “quiet nourishing” – taking 20, even 30 minutes out of the middle of the work day to eat food. we interviewed 87 corporate bosses who hate it

I don’t got that dog in me. I got that cat in me. Bam knocked your water cup right off the counter. Now I’m gonna take a nap

Me: today I’m not apologizing for ANYTHING!!!!!!
*almost steps on pigeon*
Me: omg sorry sorry sorry

Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.

[job interview]

How would you improve our business?

“Dude, I’d bankrupt you in a week. I’m just catchin Pokemon in your office.”

i get it boeing, i’m also prone to breaking down in public and making it everyone else’s problem

A load of falling lizards is called a blizzard, right??

Imguana see myself out

God: I’ve always regretted not making you the dominant species
Man: But you did—
Dog: She was talking to me

[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews

Unicorns are absurdly close to being horses. They are one bone more than a horse.
If you love unicorns but are not sated by horses, consider that maybe what you really love is bones.

Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:

Pick up a kid

Unlock a door

Load a rolled rug into your trunk

How many raisins do I have to add to this bag of M&Ms before it qualifies as trail mix? One? I say one.

Me: I’m completely lost. What’s going on in this movie?

Him: Lin, I just hit play 90 seconds ago.

Me: Wow! New record.

“why y’all clapping at 3AM?”

The word “karaoke” comes from an old Chinese proverb meaning: “go home, you’re drunk.”

3 AM

BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?

I got carded at the liquor store. While getting my ID out my Blockbuster card fell out. He laughed and said “Never mind.”

Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?

PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom

“dogs are better than cats they crap outside” yeah except if my cat has to crap at 1am he can just go but if my dog needs to I gotta get up out of bed and let him out like that is not superior

[15 minutes into choosing which crab from the tank to have for dinner]
Date: are you crying?

Never underestimate the power of karate to save a marriage.

[boiling pot]

dad lobster: why’s the heat on with the lid off

Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”

Translation: They’re staring straight at me.

Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”

Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.