“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
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Me: How was your day?
7: Good
Me: What did you do at school?
7: I’ve already told you everything you need to know
*Pouring nacho cheese over my bowl of cornflakes* No, I wouldn’t say I’ve let quarantine life change me.
One minute you’re 18 years old and in the mosh pit at a Black Sabbath concert and the next you’re ordering compression socks off of Amazon.
me: i need a new hat to wear for when i go sailing on my yacht
salesman: cap size?
me: i hope not
Survivor: The Dryer Edition.
Jeff Probst: The tribe has spoken. Wool sock, it’s time to go.
Coffee cause nowadays there’s just too many cameras in the world to get away with anything.
Me: We’re going to get a new ventilation system installed, will make the house much healthier
7: Why is it unhealthy, it’s never even had junk food?
*climbs Mt. Everest hoping to find clarity, PEACE & a deeper understanding of myself & the world*
“When did they put a Starbucks up here?”
“It seems like many polls are turning against you. How do you respond?”
TRUMP: They should be sent back to Poland. Very dangerous people.
*Uses time machine to constantly go back to bed*
My 5yo can’t remember to take off his shirt before showering but he remembered that a month ago I said we’d go to the water park on Saturday
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Before I had kids I was going to be an awesome mom.
Damn, Twitter. If I wanted to get ignored this hard, I’d yell at my kids
“Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.”
WIFE: this cheese goes hard
ME: hell yeah it does
WIFE: no i mean you have to put it back in the packet
BOSS: Ok so far so good. But before we finish the interview I’m gonna have you take a typing test.
LOBSTER: *looking down at claws* Shit
HOST: Welcome to “Die or Get Killed” the game show that no one survives
ME: Glad to be here, Mort
[re-enacting the lift scene from Dirty Dancing] “come to me baby, and jump, and oops… You landed in my mouth again! You silly gummy bear.”
Text is the perfect way of saying I have some information I need to give you but I in no way shape or form want to hear your voice
Parents: “If only there were a manual for this.”
Also parents: “How dare you tell me how to raise my kids, you piece of shit.”
who named him groot and not spruce lee
Let this be a lesson to everyone: If you love someone, set them free to get married and then divorced and then have a series of mid life crisis relationships and get an embarrassing back tattoo and if they come back it was meant to be
Hubby is trying to get it up…There we go…Ok now it won’t go down-oh there it goes…Shit, now it’s going back up!
Garage door is broken
Dentist offices are the last frontier of businesses that are allowed to be one weird old guy boss and a hundred hot girl employees
Coffee cake.
Just put 2 things I like together, what’s next?
Sex steak?
Me: Thank you for rescuing me from such a desperate situation.
Hubs: Again, hitting the wrong button on the remote is not a “desperate situation.”
Her: I said I’d like to see you BETTER yourself.
Me: Oh. *slowly puts down butter knife*