And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Atheist: I can’t believe it’s not butter
Theist: I can believe it
Agnostic: Just eat the toast
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
I was getting my haircut during a trip to Vancouver when a fellow customer overheard me say where I lived.
“While visiting Japan recently, I recently met a guy from your town.”
I jokingly asked if it happened to be my friend, as he had also recently been to Japan.
It was.
I start conversations with my children by saying “Listen to me,” to ensure they stop paying attention from the beginning.
The moderator on this ‘brainstorming’ conference call emphasized that there were “no dumb ideas,” a claim soundly disproven within the first few minutes of the discussion.
I’ve never had a problem stepping up to the plate.
We’re talking about food, right?
If I had a time machine I would simply go back to the late 90s & tell teenage me that Ticketmaster is never going to get any better & to temper my expectations.
I have an Architectural Engineering Degree, but every Christmas present I wrap looks like Picasso painted a picture of it.
Day 1 of healthy eating
So good to be eating healthily again. I feel fitter and better in myself already
Day 2 of healthy eating
I miss cheese so much I want to cry. I’ve forgotten the taste of chocolate. Vegetables taste of sadness and resentment. I’ve never known such misery
my last girlfriend broke up wth me after she went through my phone and i refused to tell her why i searched for goth grandpas
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
If you’re not singing “Hitler Baby one more time” to the tune of Britney Spears’ “Hit Me Baby One More Time” I’m sorry but you are now.
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
Noah
wearing a condom while she on birth control call that two factor authentication
Shoutout to the woman who yelled in anger as Wonka began “this stupid thing is a musical?!”
[Editor’s note: the woman was my mother-in-law. I was sitting with her. This was a full theater.]
Breaking news:
I am NOT a grammar Nazi!
I’m alt-write.
Hey I worked for it too!
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
Him: Hey can you help with these groceries in the trunk?
Me: No way, Charles Manson!
Him: But I just..
Me: I’VE SEEN THE NEWS
HIM: We’ve been married for 12 years
Me *hurries in our house and locks the door*
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
9yo: what kind of place is Centerfolds?
me: um, I think it’s a place to practice, like, folding stuff.
9yo: like clothes?
me: no they don’t have clothes there.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.