And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
You Might Also Like
Bruce Willis is being chased by a pug. he jumps in a taxi and escapes. he breathes a sigh of relief. the driver turns around. it’s the pug
If you don’t want to play with me I’ll just play with myself!
– Overheard in 2nd grade today… Me too kid, me too.
WAITER:What would you like?
ME:What would YOU like?
W:Excuse me?
M:No one ever asks you, do they?
W:*tearing up* No.. they don’t. Thank you.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Jay Z and Beyonce had a 4 million dollar dinner with Obama…. Wtf did they eat? Fresh dinosaur?
“Dad, are those sirens?”
“Keep your eyes on the road.”
“I think they’re chasing us!”
“You said you wanted a sister.”
“I know, but-”
“So we got you a sister.”
“That isn’t what-”
“JUST STEER THE BIKE, BOY!”
asked my dentist out but she brushed me off, said she only dates plaque guys
Not gonna paste any more time on that cavitease, it’s her floss
Her:
*puts cherry stem in mouth
*pulls it out with a knot
*winksHim:
*puts earbuds in pocket
*pulls it out with 5 knots
*doesn’t get laid
“Yay, outdoor soccer in the rain”
– said no mom, ever
The craziest moment in my life was when my daughter was born. The second craziest was when they made us leave the hospital with her two days later, like we knew what we were doing
This is my favorite one of these!
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Me (naked): This feels amazing.
My boss: Maybe you should take the day off.
did everyone just forget about the part of 2016 when literal clowns would chase people with knives in public and nobody really did anything
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”
I’ve started dating Little Red Riding Hood’s gran.
She’s an animal in bed.
My therapist advised me to feed and water my kids and cook my plants 3 meals a day.
And something about listening.
Jesus is all like eat my body, drink my blood and I’m all like dude, I only like you as a friend.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
[Google Search History]
1. Do raccoons like to cuddle?
2. What does rabies smell like?
3. I can’t feel my face.
HR Manager: “Tis the Season” or not you can’t be drinking rum and eggnog at work
Foreigner: I want to know what love is.
Me: And I want to know why people do weird things like put butter on banana bread.
me: how do i come off?
firefighter: kind of cringe
me: (at the top of ladder) no i mean. wait what?
The new Call of Duty physics got us distracted… 😅
I envy those who look beautiful with a messy bun and not me who looks like I either just climbed out of a ditch or played with an outlet with a fork.
me: i think we should make a baby
wife: do you know how expensive babies are?
me: wait, you can buy them??
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Having a personal trainer at the gym is like having that bully in school. They still terrorize you, but now they make you do pistol squats before taking your lunch money.
there has never been a better use of this meme