And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
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Made a playlist for your weekend hike
INVENTOR OF ELECTRIC BICYCLES: what if an eleven year old could go as fast as cars
Me: I have 3 small kids, so preparing a healthy breakfast can be a challenge some mornings.
Friend: You should meal prep at night to make things easier.
Me: I guess I should have mentioned that the kids live here at night, too.
life hack: put on an apron at home and people think you’re super busy doing important stuff even when you’re not
Found out my sіster ate my leftovers whіle І was at work, now І’m starіng out the wіndow lіke І’m іn a sad early 2000’s musіc vіdeo.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
No matter the situation you can always count on me to help*
*instantly make it worse
My family made a pact that I’m the first to be sacrificed in a zombie apocalypse because I’ll slow them down. That’s my workout motivation.
Absolutely batshit that they had one Irish character in Harry Potter and they just went with Seamus Finnegan. Like calling an American character Huckleberry McRib.
Windows 10 has an extremely unhelpful error message
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
The wife says the only hard things allowed in my house nowadays are boiled eggs, sudoku puzzles and the hats of the surprising number of construction workers who come by whilst I’m at work to quote for a new patio.
Surprising, because we live in a 3rd floor apartment.
I don’t care what color or creed you are. Or what your religion is. Do not eat my work sandwich.
When I eat spaghetti I always check both ends of the noodle so I don’t accidentally kiss a dog.
[job interview]
Interviewer: “Do you have any questions for me?”
Me: “How strong is the wifi signal in the restroom?”
Interviewer:
Can’t believe a woman would grow a life inside of her for 9 months and then name it Ian.
The difference between a songbird and a hummingbird is that one of them knows the lyrics.
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
[hell]
Me: Why am I here?
Devil: You told people you’d say hi to other people 3,789 times but only did it 4 times.
Me: OK that’s fair.
The way Burger King make you feel like a Dickensian orphan when you ask for a second package of sauce is truly something.
Google would like to use your current location. Allow/Deny? Allow
*100 Google employees throw a party at my house*
Me: Damn dog is under the covers again!
Wife: No she’s not. She’s next to the bed.
Me: Oh.
Wife: …
Me: Might be time to shave your legs.
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
i have to be eating a burrito for the facial recognition to work
google is bad now but thats ok. i finished using search engines in 2017. looked everything up already
My 1yo is crawling around on the floor eating a pretzel, which shouldn’t be a problem except I don’t remember the last time I bought pretzels.
Any t-shirt can be an ironic t-shirt if you hate things enough
Baseball is weird in that you directly supply to your opponent the opportunity to score against you