Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I hate spelling errors
You mix up two letters and your whole tweet is urined

[Getting chased by cops after heist]

Me: Damn, I can’t shake ’em. It’s like they’re one step ahead of us.

Partner: STOP USING YOUR BLINKER

When your boss says it’s not a two person job.

Being an adult is way worse than being a kid. No matter how good I do at work no one ever takes me out for ice cream after

Sherlock: You’re a drinker, whiskey’s your poison but mum doesn’t approve. Upper- no middle management. You hate your job but it’s too late for a change. A droll existence, Stacy.

Barista: *rubbing temples* Again, just say the name on the cup and say “Have a nice day.”

A shower so cold, you call it by your exes name

The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.

I had a fight once. “You should see the other guy!” I said. My wife agreed. She’s been seeing him for years now, they’re a lovely couple.

My dog tried to put one paw on the floor instead of the scale when she was being weighed and I was like, “I got you girl”

[Bee diary]
Day one: met a really cute queen bee
Day two: queen bee is now my gf
Day three: my gf cheated on me with my 40,000 roommates

formal request for my funeral to be half open casket, with only my legs showing

“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”

ME: (falling to my death in an elevator shaft) lol shaft

The guy at the gym said rest days are really important, so I’ve been resting for 6 years.

My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16

It’s important to get out of the house every once in a while to get excited about going home.

Dropped my son off at middle school this morning dressed as a bottle of ranch dressing and couldn’t help but notice everyone else was dressed as regular middle school kids

Nobody:

My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.

Chuck Norris once broke a mirror over the head of a black cat while standing under a ladder on Friday 13th.The next day he won the lottery

I make a mortgage-sized payment monthly to send my kid to preschool. Today, I have to pick him up early so they can close to then reopen an hour later for an art show where I can pay a second time to buy art my kid made while I paid for him to be there.

I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!

–she did but she took my phone with her.

I’m getting really good at raising my eyebrow to communicate the concept of “that’s not six foot”.

I learnt it from various women who were communicating a similar message in a very different context.

Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.

Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:

Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.

kthanksbye

[speed dating]
*girl sits down*
“hi im melan-
QUICK A ZOMBIE APOCALYPSE HAPPENS WHAT WEAPON DO YOU USE
“wha-
CORRECT ANSWER WAS KATANA. NEXT

For your consideration, a black footed ferret and the first words written about the black footed ferret in western scientific literature: “It is with great pleasure that we introduce this handsome new species”

Anything you say can, and will, be repeated in public

– young children

I took a “Which Disney princess are you?” quiz and I got Jafar.

Wife: The kids made you these cakes for Father’s Day! What do you think of them?

Me: They’re awful. But at least they made me these cakes