And now a moment of silence for all the things I could’ve accomplished in 2019 if I had a brain that worked
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Me: *clapping enthusiastically*
You: an actual strobe light would be more effective for the dance party, tho
Quit college. Become an oven. Get up to like 500 degrees.
Teens are like the Magic 8ball of humans, they think they have all the answers & you want to shake them because what they said was stupid.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
if she’s your girlfriend why does the mere sight of me make her scream “wow” louder than you ever could
How can I relax when every aspect of my physical and mental state is governed by something called The Nervous System?
Unicorn: Come on man, do it just one more time.
Dragon: This is the last time.
Unicorn: Hell yeah!
Dragon: [toasts unicorns marshmallow]
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Why aren’t you flourishing? Flourish, you piece of shit.
My dog doesn’t wear a collar, he wears one of those big gold chains that major league baseball players wear.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
Why did Yogi Bear only have a collar and a tie, and not a full dress shirt?
*Patiently waits as you all Google pics of Yogi Bear*
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I was walking near a construction site today and heard the foreman yell, “You’re doing a good job!” I know that was meant for me.
my teenagers favorite way for me to wake him up is to rip the curtains open and let the bright happy sunshine hit his face. i mean he threatens my life after i do it but secretly deep inside it’s his favorite.
HIM: I’m having a shit first day at my new job. Can I crash at your place?
HER: Sure. What’s your new job?
HIM: Airline pilot.
Pretty convinced that my left eyebrow and my right eyebrow belong to two different people with very different lifestyles.
The secret to effective prayer is asking for things that would have happened anyway.
everyone got that one whistleblowing homie. the dude who’s always uncovering corruption and dying under mysterious circumstances
All these silly debates on social media are all a ploy to distract you from the fact that they are moving public urinals closer together everyday.
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
[wife comes home from work]
“why havent you done any of the things i asked you to”
[the dog walks past dressed as a policeman]
ive been busy
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Parenting is weird because you find yourself saying things like: that was a cute story but you know if you ever meet a real bear with a toothache you shouldn’t try to help it, right?
Olympian: Does the most amazing dive I have ever seen in my entire life.
Announcer: Oh dear.
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
Whew Netflix is making a LOT of enemies. Kids away at school, kids who live with different parents depending on the day, grandparents who live elsewhere but have their own accounts, people who travel for work…like girl. All this and half your mess can’t get a season 2??? Be fr
Pretty sure Dora goes on crazy adventures with a monkey because her mom is on Twitter.