Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

parrots can literally talk, why is everyone so ok with it

Family barbecues are great and all, but apparently Home Depot has a policy against them now.

Interviewer: Do you show up on time?

Me *born three months premature*: No.

Wife [asking serious questions during NFL™ kickoff] …

Me [screaming at tv] yes! Yes! YES!!

Wife: okay! Yay!! [adopts 13 cats]

WIFE: OMG how did grandma’s ashes get knocked off the mantel?

ME: Actually I think it was-

*cat makes throat slice gesture*

-the wind

(Sigh) I thought “The Scarlet Letter” was a book about red stationery….

me: every time you guys don’t listen to us I get to burn a Christmas present in the fireplace.

8: well then you’ll just be wasting your own money.

Well shit.

Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.

Saint Waddle is the patron saint of pancakes and ducks. She loved to flip the bird.

life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS

If only the person that named “walkie talkies” had been in charge of naming so many more household objects.

Men: nothing is sexier than a woman with a great sense of humor

Also men: except, like, a really sexy woman

I just violently threw up for 6 minutes and now my coworkers think I’m the lead singer of Creed.

I’m not saying my wife orders a lot from Amazon but one of their drivers sent us a wedding invitation.

People are ruining the word Daddy, my kids are going to have to call me ‘homie’ or some shit.

SCIENTIST: it’s our thinnest toilet paper yet, sir. less than a picometer
CEO: *rips it by breathing on it* put it in every public restroom

Went on blind date, woke up in bathtub with kidney gone. 6 out of 10, would date again.

Me: sorry, I can’t take strangers from candy

Giant gummy bear handing me a person: oh no

so weird when you meet a girl with the same name as your sister because they’re like hi I’m Jenna and you’re like no you are not. I’m sorry but you are not

If I reject your call the first two times, ring me again. I’m really just testing your resolve.

Bad is when you finish the dishes then see a few more things to wash. Worse is when your wife is there so you can’t say you didn’t see them.

I was at the post office and someone at the back of the line said “do you mind if I skip to the front? I just need to mail a package” and the bravest man in the world said “do you think we’re all here for fun?”

WIFE: He keeps pretending he’s a pilot.
THERAPIST: Is that true?
ME: *intercom noises* Prepare for the turbulence coming from Karen’s lies.

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day but teach a man to phish and he will steal your social security # so click here to verify your account.

4yo daughter: No matter how much I wipe there’s still poo
Me: *blocking people on twitter* Same, baby

I never feel quite so uncertain as when I’m walking the dog and a neighbor driving by waves to me but my free hand has a bag of poop in it.

tried to stop my dog from swallowing a hammer but it was tool ate

Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.

[date]

Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?

Him: No interest, before my time.

Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*

Him: What’re you doing?

Why do they call it shopping for new countertops and not taking me for granite send tweet