Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Inception, but it’s just my girlfriend making sure I don’t cheat on her in my dreams

friendly reminder that someone having a different opinion about a movie than you is a direct attack on you as a person and you should take it very personally

Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?

When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.

It’s hard to tell from this tree.

Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain

Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL

I missed a swipe when shaving my legs and now my leg has a mohawk

Everytime someone on my social media says “omg you’re British” I instantly respond with well done want a cookie? 🙄🙄😂

My friend keeps saying, “cheer up man it could be worse, you could be stuck underground in a hole full of water.”

I know he means well.

Can me and you go out sometime?

“No, your grammar is too poor”

Ok wow, my gramma broke af, but what that got to do with us?

Shampoo is much more marketable than it’s original name, Shamshit.

I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.

The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.

[showing my chiropractor the scene where the robot stretches Mr. Incredible and fixes his back]: This. I want this.

If you ever see me ironing and smiling, know that I have been body snatched like one of those Stepford wives.

“It’s one of those new Hoverboards!”

9: Mom, this is just 2 Roombas taped together.

“Don’t be silly. Now go vacuum…I mean play upstairs”

i baked you a cake

Give a man a fish, he eats for a day.

Teach a man to fish, and you’ll have the weekends to yourself.

BREAKING NEWS: Bread is extremely toxic to humans.
“Just throw it all in a lake somewhere,” says one long-billed scientist

Making pizza she asked “why are you putting extra cheese on it?”

And that was the last time she was invited over.

I’m fresh out of hopes and dreams. Can I interest you in despair and disappointments?

Kids got me a t-shirt 2 sizes too small and made me a big breakfast this morning. So yes I now know what it’s like to take off a sports bra

therapist: you need to enjoy the little things

me: like ants

therapist: not exactly

me: [nodding] baby ants

The cat just yelled at the Roomba for making him get up and, as the father of two young kids, I’ve never felt closer to that feline.

having sarcastic kids is great cause they make you laugh but also piss you off.

You think they keep the lights low for ambiance, but really it’s cuz that restaurant hasn’t dusted since 1986.

[death row]

prison chef: would you like to request a final meal?

me: yes, casserole, but can you cook it for twenty five years

[bday party]
Mum: happy birthday son
Me: wow that’s a huge cake!
Mum: its full of bees
Me: what
Mum [backing away]: I said it’s cream cheese

A lazy eye is just like a regular eye except it won’t take out the garbage, leaves up its Christmas lights all year and will text someone in the same room.

Jesus said to love your neighbor, but makes no mention about putting up with their music at 3am.