Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FUN PRANK:

Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say

“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”

Then watch how mad he gets.

Me: I just want to be the hat girl at the gym.
Them: You mean hot girl?
Me: *on treadmill*
*wearing a ski mask, beret, and cowboy hat*
No.

Caught an epiisode of “American Ninja Warrior” and I’m thinking if I put my mind to it and train really hard I could be in that studio audience.

“Operator, run this licence plate please

Echo Alpha Tango
Alpha
Delta India Charlie Kilo”

– Me, if I was a cop on the day I got fired.

My wife was annoyed because the fridge was beeping, I’d left the door open to long while looking, in my defense I couldn’t find my keys anywhere else.

First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.

GOD: u get powers for one day and this is what u do?
[every animal now has a startle reaction like a pufferfish]
[an obese tiger rolls by]

can’t wait to fulfill my lifelong dream of going to japan and buying a samurai sword out of a vending machine

Biden: I wanna join the protest.
Obama: Joe, we’ve been over this.
Biden: But they’re–
Obama: How about some ice cream?
.
.
.
Biden: Okay.

[Tinder]

Dora: Swiper no swiping!

Swiper: Oh mannn…

Those who believe in only 12.5% of the bible are eighthiests.

I’ve been given feedback that I mention my favorite serial killer too quickly at social events.

I don’t do escape rooms. If I wanted to feel trapped and confused for an hour, I’d ask my husband to explain how Bitcoin works.

I have no fear of my family pulling the plug on me if I ever go on life support because I know how much they love wasting electricity

What doesn’t kill you makes you come up with stupid clichés.

Why did they call it a diaper blowout and not a shituation.

Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.

Me: Oh, who got the last spot?

Coach: Umm

Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?

Maybe the environment should adapt to accommodate our negligence did it ever think about that

society: women your age are invisible
me: *robbing a bank* cool, cool

*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*

‘Sup

I hate reality shows. Like this one, for instance, called “The News.”

If you’re reading this & I’m married to you…

Come join me in the bath.
Bring snacks.

You are what you eat? Well… I’d rather be a donut than a salad.

💀💀

It’s always “you’re so cute when you’re mad,” until the house is on fire.

I don’t think a lot of people remember the psychological grip Nutella had on the American psyche in the early 2010s… It became its own governing body at one point

*eating chips for breakfast at 3 pm*

I wish I had a better metabolism

“Take it with a pinch of salt,” my dad always used to say.

Lovely man.

Made horrible tea.

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?

My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”