Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Sticker placement is key.

“Draw me like one of your Trash girls”

People in my office act like they’ve never seen someone in formal working pajamas before.

Me: Here you go.

Her: WTF?

Me: It’s the genital mold you wanted.

Her: I said gelatin mold!

Me: *waddles away with pants around ankles*

They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.

My milkshake brings all the boys to the graveyard and they’re like AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

My 8-year-old has been explaining his video game to me since 2003

The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.

I would explain it to you but I’m all out of puppets and crayons.

Husband: I’m going to take kids to do something fun today so you can relax.
Me: sounds awesome!
H: Will you get them ready for me?

My two teenagers are very different. My son always wants money, whereas my daughter prefers the convenience of my credit card.

POLLY GETS A CRACKER WHEN HE STOPS REFERRING TO HIMSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON, and not a moment before. Stupid bird.

I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.

This poor girl dropped her salad in the parking lot, so I grabbed her hand and said “Lettuce pray”

Oh, calm down… One Cobra bite and you’re falling to pieces!

There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.

[first day as a torturer]

Me: *throws stack of bills on the table* now call your doctors and the insurance company back and forth until you figure out what you need to pay.

Captive: *crying* I’m ready to talk.

me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt

bf: ur what

me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok

bf: the what

me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—

bf: wh—

me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy

Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.

So Nickelback is playing a flood relief concert for Alberta. Like those folks haven’t suffered enough.

Sorry I’m late. I was standing in front of the cooler staring at names on Coca Cola bottles for 10 mins realizing how many people I dislike.

ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?

DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle

First Guy To Compare Apples to Oranges: Apples and oranges are pretty similar.

Other Guy: You’re an idiot. That’s like comparing…well…I don’t even know what, but that’s just stupid. This is why nobody likes you, Carl.

Cleanliness is next to Godliness because this is a small library.

Putting on a bra is like trying to wrestle two pigs into a potato sack.

[First day of medical school]
Teacher: Here is a diagram of all the vessels of the body…
Me: So in surgery, do we cut the red one or the blue one to diffuse the bomb?

*gives date flowers*

Here. I murdered these plants for you.

Relationship status: you’d think something called a Roomba would be a better dancer

Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.