And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
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[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
WELCOME TO THE JUNGLE
WE GOT DIRT AND TREES
WE ALSO GOT SOME LIZARDS
BUT MOSTLY DIRT AND TREES
Not my fess but my dentists. As a kid I hated cleaning my teeth, my dentist asked for a few mins to explain it to me, dad left us alone. Dentist pulled out pliers and proper threatened to pull all my teeth out if I had one single cavity next appointment. It worked. Psycho.
I accidentally threw garbage in the mall Public Library return bin with a large “Not Garbage” sign and before I had time to feel bad, my boyfriend yelled
AHA SUCK IT, NERDS!
and that’s how he gets the bestest sex.
being older than your parents were when they had you is a bizarre feeling, like what the fuck do you mean I was once left unsupervised in the care of a 26-year-old
Robber: Give me all your money.Otherwise you are chemistry!
ME: Don’t you mean history?
R: Don’t change the subject!
*Both start laughing
It isn’t a real party unless some drunken idiot makes a fool of themselves by walking face first into a closed glass sliding door.
I’m fine by the way.
Adding urine to your compost is a great way to add nitrogen to the soil AND get a restraining order from the neighbors.
If I had a time machine I’d alter the Big Bang Theory pilot episode so all the characters exploded in the very first scene
Wife: *glares* “Do you think you’re funny?”
Me: “Yes.”
W:
M:
W:
Me: “I mean no.”
W:
M: “How many guesses do I get?”
I experienced this today. I decided I’m a genius. 😂
Arranged my own kidnapping.
Found out after the fact that there’s no actual napping involved.
I’m awake, in a trunk. This is bullshit.
i thought crypto and bitcoin were x-men characters
Got a bottle of Omega 3 thrown at me.. Luckily, my injuries were only super fish oil🙃
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
who thought of the name? he did? okay, hang on {calls out to the cubicles} craig, can you come in here for a sec!
Me: Go wake up your mother.
Son: No way man…no way.
Me: C’mon…please? You’re her offspring…she’s less likely to harm you.
Titanic passenger: iceberg
Titanic chef: no its romaine
Passenger: *pointing* iceberg!
Chef: oh no!
Passenger:
Chef: we’ve served you the wrong salad
What I said: Brush your teeth.
What my 4yo heard: Use the toothbrush to clean the bathroom floor.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
Wife: Have you seen my curling iron?
Me: …umm, are you talking about the hotdog bun warmer?
Wife: …
Me: No, I have not seen it.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?
152,000 people will die today but not the one you want.
Setting a teachers salary based on student performance is akin to paying a zookeeper based on how well the monkeys are behaving.
Ranch is mayonnaise with sprinkles.
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
Makes me laugh when a person blows their nose,then look into the tissue to see what came out. Seriously.. what are you expecting to find there?
Stop buying me complex technological devices that I have to go take a class to learn how to use just buy me a goat
Hangovers only happen to people who stop drinking.
Him: Can you forgive me?
*mental montage of me trying to figure out who this guy is*
Me: Yes, but I’m really hurt so please give me time.