Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

The best way to get back at someone is to eat toast in their bed.

The year is almost over, and I haven’t stabbed anyone. My New Year’s resolution is to do better.

Boy in the pub was telling me his job is a penguin erector so every time a plane flys over Edinburgh zoo the penguins can’t take their eyes off it and end up falling over n he just goes round picking them back up, 38 penguins 2000 flights a day

Don’t measure your worth by how much money you have. There are other ways to evaluate wealth: How much salami is in your home right now? Do you have both a bicycle air pump AND that weird little pin that always goes missing? How quickly could you get your hands on a large goose?

the worst part of getting fired from the unemployment office is still having to go in the next day

If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.

me: time to hit the hay

wife: you’re going to bed?

me: no i just really *clenches fists* hate hay

I swear to god, the next car that cuts me off will be driving in front of me.

Be careful on the roads out there guys. Someone t-boned my car and I can’t tell you how scary it was.

I’m so oblivious to someone flirting with me that if they told me to take my shirt off I’d assume it was because I spilled something on it

There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.

Just call and I’ll be there.

*Turns phone off*

Cake is better than sex because cavities are better than babies

Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes

Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders

me: why does it have to be family get-togethers

Burgers, she wrote.

– Angela Lansbury before she goes shopping.

Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.

What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.

What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.

The billionaire who’s hunting me for sport is mad because I’m not trying. I’m running in slow motion making Chariots of Fire noises

My friend is trying to quit his addiction to marathons. He’s in a 55,000 step program.

Doug is just Canadian for dog

There’s plenty of deeply disturbed fish in the sea.

Me: [bursts into wife’s meeting] BABE, IT HAPPENED!
Wife: Dave, I’m at wo-
Me: I paid for 6 [empties chicken nuggets on table] I got 7

I’m not saying I don’t miss my kids while I’m at work but it’s nice knowing with absolute certainty that for the eight hours I’m there no one will try to follow me into the bathroom.

hello yes welcome, would you like something to drink? I have the milk of various nuts? season three of la croix? perhaps the ginger beer I was optimistic about last summer but it turned out to be so incredibly violent? mouth spritz of whipped cream?

I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.

Our guide called the bear tracks I found bike tracks. Laugh it up pal, but if these bears are on bikes we’re all going to die out here.

Sounds like a real hoot.

Me showing up at your door when I find out you hurt my friend’s feelings

Here is a wonderful thought for all those who are fighting for their mental health during the COVID19 crisis. You are not alone. We are all in this together. Reach out to one another and inspire, empower and support one another. Stay safe.

📸: @thesproutingsunflower

Netflix: Continue watching?

Me: *can’t find tv remote*

Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up