And now as I don my mask in the grocery store I know I have but fifteen seconds before my glasses fog up and my cart becomes a lethal weapon.
You Might Also Like
psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”
Sometimes i think my life sucks. Then i look at the lives of others. Then it hits me. My life does suck!!
I talk a lot of shit for someone who often searches for their phone when I’m watching something on it.
You can’t tell me to make mental health a priority and also keep putting calorie counts on restaurant menus.
At a skatepark, older dude outside the fence sees me and yells (heckles) “do a kickflip!”
So I did one.
He then turns to his friend and says: “holy sh!t, he actually did it”
Facebook and Instagram are down so now I have to creep on my ex in person.
[hell]
me: wow it’s hot down hereguy: ya but it’s a dry heat
me: i totally get why you’re here
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
People say I’m a bad person, but they’re just jealous that they can’t kick pigeons as far as I can.
“Treat yourself,” they say.
“No, wait—not like that—”
But it is too late. I have baked myself into an eclair
Lawyer: As My Lord knows,…
Judge: Don’t presume I know it, counsel.
Lawyer: Beg pardon. *clears throat* As My Lord ought to know…
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
My friend’s band is called Duvet.
It’s a cover band.
Eternal damnation for the sorry acquaintance who cons you into watching his favorite film and keeps looking to see if you’re reacting.
i’ve decided to start saying “moopy” instead of “movie” just subtly enough that people will silently question it but will never ask. i deserve this.
Me: why aren’t you studying?
My kid: I didn’t see you coming.
“You’d better run, egg!”
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
retweet this to electronically sign my petition to ban windmills worldwide . we’ve had enough bird casualties . and for what ?more wind ?
My neighbor Randy saw his shadow today so it looks like we’ll be experiencing six more weeks of drunken front yard kung fu
Since I started yoga I’ve got so flexible I can now bend over far enough to see my toes.
I make out with a squirrel at a party one time, and now everyone is scared of me?
That’s just ridiculous, he was dead for at least 2 hours.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
If there really was a Purge, and all crime was legal for one night, I’d probably do something super crazy, like loiter.
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Call your laptop what it really is: Bed TV.
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
*me flirting
If you’re cremated, you can’t roll over in your grave. Do you swirl in your urn? What do you do? What. Do. You. Do?