And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
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Me in tagged photos
I fell asleep at 3:45. My 5yo woke up at 6:30.
Use protection, young people.
Nearly choked on a carrot and a donut would never do that to me.
Never make an enemy out of someone who loves camping, they’ve trained to hit rock bottom and they like it.
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
being hungover on weekends is inefficient, you should wake up early on weekends and live your life. you should only drink heavily on weeknights so you can recover from your hangovers while on the clock at work
[at aquarium]
That’s a lot of octopussys to have in a tank.
“Octopi”
Oh sorry…that’s a lot of octopussys to occupy a tank.
My definition of the word ‘mansion’ becomes looser and looser every year. Oh ur asbestos bungalow has flyscreens? Um ok your Highness
[overhears girl at work crying because her grandad & her dad died this month]
Me: not all men are like that
[changes out of pajama pants with pockets to pajama pants without pockets]
Bedtime.
[Swiss bank]
ME: I’d like to take out a loan
CASHIER: Okay, what kind?
ME: A tober
CASHIER: what?
ME: A toberloan
CASHIER: Are you trying to say Toblerone?
ME: …toberloan
My sex life has improved so much I’m thinking of asking someone else to join me…
Catch a spark… Set the world on fire!
– Incinerational Tweet
Today, I’ve been debating what my next tattoo will be. Then my neighbor decided to set off fireworks in the middle of the day for the 3rd day in a row.
So, teardrop tattoo it is.
Grilled cheese is named after its creator, Grilliam Cheeseford Jr.
Hate it when I bring someone back to my place for the first time and all they want to talk about are the corpses.
The dietitian told me peanut butter is healthy if I eat it with something low-calorie, so I chose a spoon.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
Review of “grandma”: slow, slow-witted, terrified of technology, can’t bench for shit, no karate, basically racist ★☆☆☆☆
me watching old game shows: why are they giving away luggage sets. what a dumb and bad prize
me in 2022, today: why are suitcases $900
You can tell a lot about a person by how early their neighbors call the cops on Thanksgiving.
{Goldfish Funeral}
GOLDFISH 1: We’ll never forget him
GOLDFISH2: Forget who?
G1: What are you talking abo-OH MY GOD WHAT HAPPENED TO TEDDY?!
I think the hot dog eating competition should award me extra points for not blinking during the event.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
*Godzilla screeching in pain as he accidentally steps on Legoland*
Bad news: With the stock market in a nosedive, I’ve had to increase my retirement age.
Good news: I’m going to live to 157.
Me: You just had a bath, please stay clean
My 4-year-old:
