And now begins the yearly tradition of writing the incorrect year on everything, for the next 3 months.
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Little known fact from Marley and Me, they used 8 different Owen Wilsons during production, so he would look the same age.
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
“Crocodile after awhile.” – Yoda
My dog learned how to text
Dear Kelloggs,
Cereal that makes them go back to sleep.
Sincerely,
Tired parents
store clerk: it works exactly like a roomba but it’s a mower
me: excellent [opening wallet] I would LOVE shorter carpet
[My relationship with TV]
There’s nothing on.
*watches nothing for the next six hours.
*plays air guitar*
*kisses air girlfriend*
one thing I never see discussed in the remote vs office debate is the ability to have sex with my wife who also wfh during the day. much easier while the kids at school and huge boon for my productivity. not sure how to explain to my boss who wants me at the office more
Thank you corporation very cool
[Zoom meeting with boss while working from home]
Boss: I need you to finish your projec-
[4 kids run by me. One is on fire, one is naked, 2 are in ski masks]
Boss: Never mind
Want his attention?
Send nudes
Want to piss him off?
When he responds,
reply “Oops, wrong person”
I’m at Sephora and the makeup artist asked this woman if she was allergic to anything and she said “shrimp”
*sees baby*
*crouches down, does some cute baby talk*
*no reaction from baby*
*stands up slowly*
You’ve made a powerful enemy today, baby
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
Him: sex tonight?
Me: Work put me in a bad mood
Him: tomorrow?
Me: I have a headache tomorrow
Secret admirer got a raise! Finally, decent chocolates.
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
10 Easy Steps to Learn Binary:
1) There are 1’s and 0’s
10) There are no 2’s
*Love in the time of coronavirus*
Hey baby, want to go back to my place and play find the paper cut with the hand sanitizer?
“You said, and I quote, ‘Make me a bowl of food.’”
“This is why no one likes you, Jeff.”
I really only wanna grow old so I can get the senior discount at thrift stores
Me: Can I take a peak?
Park ranger: You mean “peek,” right?
Me: *steals the top of a mountain*
coworker: you should try my therapist
me: i’ve seen their work no thanks
first time at Hobby Lobby:
hello I’d like one hobby please
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Awkward silences? No problem. Just start beatboxing. Does it make things any less awkward? Absolutely not. But it eliminates the silence. Now it’s just awkward beatboxing. You’re welcome.
If you wear cowboy clothes are you technically ranch dressing
I’m not a fan of having things on my wrist but I’d definitely get the Apple iCarceration ankle monitor
Dating is an expensive way to find out you don’t like someone.