Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

When I was younger, I never liked the monkey bars, because monkeys are mean drunks.

taking myself on a date tomorrow I really hope I put out

me: can i buy u a drink

girl: ladies drink free tonight, idiot

me:

girl:

me: can u buy me a drink

I’m that bored in the house 🥺

#lockdownextension

[on a date]
Me: so how bout *seductively takes a bite of an orange* we go to my place
Date: you’re supposed to peel that first

Losing weight in your 40’s: hahahahahahahahaha

nobody:

stick in the park:

6 y/o me: I will take it home

Been given the task of creating the perfect fish pun and, friends, the struggle is eel

*pouring wine over ice cream*

No, I had a great day. Why do you ask?

They should have a big dishwasher that you can drive your car into so you don’t have to wash it by hand. I’ll let someone else have this idea, goodnight twitter.

I just bought some land with a stranger and now we have a lot in common.

Girls, get your abortions NOW in case the Republicans win

I have a Russian friend who’s a sound technician.

And a Czech one too.

My son is sitting next to me here playing some kinda shooting game and complaining about people using aimbots.
As someone who’s cleaned his bathroom I wish he’d use them too.

Indian Chief: What that bottle of vodka for?

Me: I got it for my girlfriend.

Indian Chief: Good trade.

I stepped in water with my socks on, you guys go on without me

attention murderers, please do not murder me for the next 1 hour and 40 minutes as i am once again watching How To Train Your Dragon

[wife looking at sketch of donut burglar on the news]
“he looks like you”
[me holding huge glass of milk on way to basement] it’s not though

Feel like you’re falling apart? Coming undone? Can’t keep it together?
You should have eaten more paste as a child.

[pearly gates]
st peter: welcome everybody-
*i run up and slam dunk an imaginary ball thru his halo and then hang on it like it’s the rim*

I remember the exact moment growing up when I came to know that a babysitter was not someone who sat on babies.

MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.

Coca Cola: Because drinking black water seems like a solid life choice.

[Husband’s Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…

The English are truly the most remarkable people to ever exist. They traveled all across the world and saw food from every culture, and were just like “no thanks we already have beans on toast.”

My wife set an auto-reply to all my texts that just says “No.”

“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.

[bank robbery]
“Todd, where the hell is the getaway car?”
TODD: *zooming up on a Segway* FOSSIL FUELS ARE RUINING THIS PLANET, GARY