and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
You Might Also Like
Group therapist: What’s your biggest fear?
Wolfman: Silver bullets
Frankenstein: Fire
Dracula: Lasagna, spaghetti…you know, most Italian dishes.
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
i wish i could marry a nap
funny thing about zombie movies — they never seem to go after the cameraman 🤷♀️
[hearing news of an apocalyptic asteroid] best put the car in the garage
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
If you’re going to the hospital for a covid-19 test make sure you bring with you a valid form of identification along with a printout of your IMDB page and/or your Basketball Reference stats
when i said i wanted to be held, i didn’t mean accountable.
receive Botox for severe facial tics and before I get the shots, I smear a numbing cream all over my face (because the shots are painful). When my neurologist came in the room and asked how I was, I said “I can’t feel my face when I’m with you.” I thought it was funny🤷♀️
My neighbour won’t stop talking about his Rolex and I can’t believe someone stole it tomorrow
My kids built a fort last night and it’s the cleanest room in the entire house.
As a child, my family’s menu consisted of two choices – take it or leave it.
Elon Musk: [throws soup out a window]
Chef: OMG VEGETABLE STOCK IS PLUMMETING
One day, the fridge will take revenge on me, every half hour opening the door to my room, staring at me for a few minutes & then walk away.
It’s fair to say that in the event of a bear attack, my kids would be safe with me. I’d never be able to outrun the little buggers, and there’s more than enough snacking on me to sate even the hungriest ursine.
jeff bezos trying to escape the earth because of a breakup is the most relatable thing he’s done
“Get at least 8 hours of beauty sleep. 9 if you’re ugly.” – Betty White
Him: I wanna be the man you fell in love with all those years ago.
Me: You wanna be Ryan Reynolds?
A second-hand deep fryer is an acceptable gift for third weddings right?
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
opening a flower shop called women in stem
If Planet Fitness didn’t want me eating a turkey leg on the stairmaster then they shouldn’t call it a “Judgment free” zone.
3 AM
BRAIN: You awake?
ME: I am now!
B: I was wondering..
M:
B: Did the inventor of the elasticated waistband get the Nobelt Prize?
I need your fingers, rubbing me hard, circling around my red swollen …mosquito bite.
What did YOU think I’m talking about?
Weirdos!!
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
Is Vanilla Ice’s son named Vanilla Extract? Cuz he should be.
Eat healthy, but remember that greasy foods protectively coat your heart so it pops out of the fist of those who attempt to crush it.