And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
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My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
me: want the stick
dog: not really
me: fetch the stick
dog: why would I do that
me: fetch it boy
dog: that seems pointless
me: [throws stick]
dog: oh cool now neither of us has a stick
me: I need to borrow a math textbook
librarian: edition?
me: and subtraction if you have it
Karate Kid (1984) A Japanese man teaches a desperate young boy about bullying by forcing him to fix his house.
me: freedom implies the existence of freesub
subway: we said no
In todays addition of what will we find when we take off our bra…two legos AND a winning lotto ticket! Just kidding that would be so awesome but it was just two legos.
My friend is gay, and that’s his boyfriend, he’s gay too…
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
“See you later alligator”
“In a whilst crocodile”
-why we fought the British for independence
Spiderman, Spiderman/
Does whatever a spider can/
Attends college/
Works as a photographer/
Just like a spider
BRIDE: *tosses her wedding bouquet in my direction*
ME: *dives out of the way*
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
her: i’m leaving you.
me: is it because i’ve been ignoring you to teach the chicken how to skateboard
her: YES
me: *through tears* you never believed in Tony Bawk
No one:
Me: “The word “Militia” just sounds like Sean Connery saying the name Melissa.”
BUY SUMMER CLOTHES. CRASH YOUR PLANE IN THE ANDES. EAT SUMMER CLOTHES.
So, I need an aquaculture licence to keep fish in a barrel and a firearms licence to shoot them. This is not as easy as I was led to believe
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
Apparently, “lead the way” is not the best response to your neighbour’s “may you burn in the eternal flames of hellfire” after his 17th wind chimes go missing under mysterious circumstances.
Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Why is it called a ‘dad-bod’ and not a ‘father-figure’?
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
My first crush was a cartoon lion and I often wonder how he’s doing today
*annual sexual harassment seminar.
Boss: We need more seats.
Me: *taps lap* I’ve got a place for someone to sit.
Boss: *sighing* You’re the reason we have these meetings.
Him: Do you know what you are doing?
Her: Do I look like I know what I’m doing?
Him: No.
Her: Okay then, quit asking stupid questions.
Tomorrow’s goal is to double my water intake by having two sips.
God: *twisting an owl* I can’t get this damn jar open
Punched myself in the eye trying to pull on my skinny jeans again
Me: I know I’m forgetting something…..I just can’t remember what it is.
*power shuts off, sitting in a dark room*
Me: *sips coffee* Nope. Nothing is coming to mind.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.