“And now it’s time for Guess How Many Belly Rubs I Want! Remember, contestants, guess wrong and you get the claws!”
– Cat game shows
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Got a new stove today and then ordered a pizza because I don’t want to ruin it by getting it dirty or anything.
My kids are teenagers, and I’ve found the same thing fixes their bad moods as when they were toddlers: a snack and a nap.
Do you think you’d make a good sniper?
[ ] Yes •
[ ] No •
•
•
•
This is the worst game of Jumanji ever.
medium: so you want to contact your wife
me: I can still hear her voice
wife: [howling] let me iiiiiin
me: it’s like she’s watching me
wife: [through window] I forgot my keys
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
Foolishly set my YouTube account up on the main house TV. Now she knows what I’m watching. Not a problem, but she also saw my own vids about restoring a land rover and how much its costing. Now I’m in trouble.
Wife: He keeps his friend close so he doesn’t lose him
Therapist: Not a bad thing
Me [yawns and a bee flies from my mouth]: Come back Alan
Me (young, naive): I can’t wait to grow up and buy all the candy I want
Me (now): I’ll give you $100 to stop me from eating this entire cake
“Jury Duty is the worst” I get to skip work and sit in judgment of others. AND I get $30? Sign me up
Luke: If you’re such a great Jedi, why don’t you fight Vader yourself?
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda:
Luke:
Yoda: Other shit to do, I have.
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[sky diving]
INSTRUCTOR: questions before we jump?
ME: do u think clams ever choke on their pearls?
INSTRUCTOR: *pushes me out of the plane*
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
Her: I don’t see color
Me: They make glasses for that now
Do you think in a parallel universe they just call it parking?
I used to think the cat was dumb for staring out the window, waiting for birds, but I’d probably stare too, if occasionally a pizza flew by.
Climax comes before effort, but only in a dictionary.
Sometimes you look at an ex and think maybe they’re not so bad. And then they start to talk and remind you why you hate them.
octopus = 1 octopus
octopuses = 2 octopuses
octopi = 2 roman octopuses
octopodes = 2 greek octopuses
octo-potus = president of the octopuses
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
[waxing salon]
ME: I need to make a waxing appointment.
ASSOCIATE: You want a Brazilian?
ME: No, I don’t need that many.
Optician can tell from my eyes bleeding that I only just started flossing before the appointment
My favorite exchange on Twitter today.
Actually parents are supposed to steal their kid’s Halloween candy; that’s how you prevent cavities.
Led Zeppelin’s “In My Time Of Dying” is my favorite song about a man with a touch of a cold.
I optimistically invited guests for this weekend while my house was unusually clean and now a week later I see why that was a mistake
*puts words between two asterisks*
Apple is releasing new product information today.
That explains why yesterday my husband said that his watch isn’t staying charged anymore.