And now we wait
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Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
Boss:my office, now!
Me:*to myself* dont be about Twitter dont be about Twitter
B:we’ve had a sexual harassment complaint
M:Oh thank God!
Wife: how’s potty training been today?
Me: he peed twice!
Wife: that’s great!
Me: *covered in piss* no, it’s not.
Me, washing my hands in front of a mirror:
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
The fireworks have been over for hours but Rex is still barking, which is weird because he’s 12 years old and not a dog. Weird little kid.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
Hallelujah started playing at church today
Kid behind me: mom this is the Shrek song
Thank god there is still hope for the next generation.
DATE: What’s your favourite movie?
ME: Kill Bill
DATE: Oh. I prefer things more sophisticated
ME [long pause] Killiam William
I would rather lie there and accept death than try to get out of a hammock while anyone is watching me.
I’m a single dad of 2 pre-teens so naturally at times there are talks of running away; but I don’t
During lockdown our toddler went through a no clothing stage and we taught her to introduce herself to people by saying “Hi. I’m a nudist.” Now that lockdown is over and she’s actually meeting people I can’t decide if this was a very good or a very bad idea
living in a small apartment and not being able to find something is so embarrassing. like there’s three square feet in here what do you mean you cant find it
If Godzilla invades your town and starts stomping down buildings, the best course of action would probably be to lead him to the Lego store
Don’t you hate it when you’re on your way to join the circus and you accidentally get married and have 3 kids?
I told the kids they’ve stressed me out so much I burst a vessel in my eye, so they brought me a plate of cheese.
I was hoping for a clean kitchen but I am disarmingly soothed.
the internet really was better 18 years ago
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
when i worked in an office i had an ’emergency google sheet’ that i kept open in a tab all day and if my boss walked by i’d switch to it from twitter and enter 69s and 420s in its cells with a look of great seriousness on my face
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
Bathroom hand dryers are amazing if you want to kill a few minutes before wiping your hands on your pants.
I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Sure, I could live a pious life so St. Peter lets me through the Pearly Gates. Or I could just crawl under the gate since IT SITS ON A CLOUD
[during fight]
him: I’ll cancel our dinner plans.
me: What? Why?? I still like food, it’s you I don’t like.
Sliding my tongue in every hole not breaking eye contact with deli clerk is why they kicked me out & won’t let me buy Swiss cheese anymore.
If you can pronounce Worcestershire I’ll assume you can do all sorts of fun things with your tongue.