and now we wait
You Might Also Like
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Welcome to your 50’s, your knees will now decide when you will sit down.
I don’t know how I feel about ghosts. Never seen one, but I don’t deny the possibility they exist. But this video is chilling. A chill went up my spine. Watch at your own risk. Don’t blink. Terrifying. I now believe.
I’m thinking about registering as a sex offender just so families with lots of kids won’t move into my neighborhood.
– Lads, I’ve driven all the snakes out of Ireland.
– Did we have snakes?
– Oh yes, thousands of em.
– I’ve never seen any sn…
– THOUSANDS!
A salesman knocked on my door today.
“Who currently provides your Internet?” he asked.
I said, “My next door neighbour.”
Welcome to your 50s where the weekend means it’s time to try a new vodka and a new chainsaw at the same time.
I just looked over at my new shoes and the box says “vegan”. I’ve never had to feed my other shoes before
If you are a seagull living in a Walmart parking lot in Wisconsin maybe you need to work on getting your shit together.
Him: That’s a bitter pill to swallow
Her: Well, you did just eat a dishwasher tablet
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
Adam: hey this is amazing we’re the first people ever, can you belEVE it lol
Eve: oh right, you like puns
Adam: have you EDEN dinner yet lmao
Eve: think I’m gonna go talk to this shady looking snake
What idiot called it the road to Bethlehem instead of the highway to the manger zone?
My dad calls my mom beautiful after 55 years of marriage, but I’m starting to suspect it’s because he forgot her name.
I am delighted to announce that endless online arguing is saving humanity
just because your parents planned you doesn’t mean you weren’t a mistake
google logo keeps changing its appearance because it killed a man in Tampa in 1999 and has to stay ahead of the law
Me: I’m in charge of the shopping cart when my wife and I go to the grocery store
Cashier: …why are you telling me this?
Female fishermen should be called Broadcasters.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, “But I have a scooter.” ❤️
Emperor Nero had a distant cousin named Emperor Faro
“Dollars to donuts” is my most frequent currency conversion.
I don’t need a reason to say stupid shit. I just need a venue.
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
You do you.
I’m gonna do me.
*married sex
Apparently I’m no longer allowed to walk my pet on public streets because it’s “scaring children” and “a crocodile.”
We have one rule in this house and one rule only: nothing too lifelike that will scare you when you walk into a dark room.
Me: what big eyes you have!
Me: what big nose you have!
Me: what big teeth you have!
Dog: you’re drunk again, aren’t you?
I like to have gps trackers on my kids just to make sure they’re not home.