and now we wait
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Nick’s coming over
Nick from work, or Nick who thinks he’s a scorpion?
*Nick bursts through the door* HERE I AM, ROCK YOU LIKE A HURRICANE
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
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The credit card machine at the liquor store wasn’t working so I whispered to it, “Please…. my mother is at my house,” and it felt bad for me and worked!!!!!!!!!!!!!
[ autumn, 1579 ]
pumpkin farmer: i say, you’ve spilled your spice on my pumpkins!
spice merchant: poppycock! for YOU have gotten your pumpkin in MY spice!
susan: *rising up out of a barrel* omg this is sooo good I want like 12 ventis all in my mouth
Nothing is impossible…except for my daughter returning home with the hat and gloves she wore to school this morning.
*Spends the first 7 minutes of my job interview carefully tearing off the perforated edge of my spiral notebook resume*
look scared
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Imagine the towering achievements in aquatecture if sawfish & hammerhead sharks ever get their shit together
Hot people do not eat as many egg sandwiches as I do and I’ve made my peace with that
The difference between a turtle and a tortoise is the tortoise chose to race a hare and the turtle became a Ninja.
[prehistoric times]
MUM: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDAUGHTER: So I gather
Them: are you sad because you eat or do you eat because you’re sad?
Me: *takes long, slow drag of egg roll* look kid…
I’m beginning to think my best chance of fame is if someone names a syndrome after me.
Me: “What’s the haps, yo?”
19yo niece: …
Me: …
19yo niece: …
Me: “I’m sorry.”
I was doing CPR on a co-worker for 5 minutes before someone told me that’s just how she laughs
The year is 1981. Everybody’s working for the weekend.
2044: the weekend becomes sentient.
2048: Everybody’s working for the weekend.
My bf took a deep breath and said “I want you to know…” then admitted he’s been having mushrooms every day, but not to worry because he’s limiting himself to five. I was confused because I didn’t even know he was using them til I realized he meant MARINATED mushrooms. Folks…
Kids’ complaints on vacation:
– No wifi on beach
– Sand is sandy
– Ocean has salt in it
– Lobsters? I want pizza.
– Too outdoorsy outside
Burned my finger on hot cheese, then immediately burned my mouth with the same hot cheese, if you’re looking for someone with a lizard brain
I need a personal trainer to be in charge of how I exercise because I’m in charge of how I eat and look how that turned out.
Nature documentarian (weeping): I know it’s against our non-interference policy, but we have to intervene and put this poor creature out of its misery. This is just cruel.
Me (holding 3rd bowl of cereal): What are you people doing in my apartment?
There are two ways to survive adversity: You become stronger or you become smarter.
I became fatter.
My husband said he needed his shirt ironed, so like a good wife, I brought him the iron and he asked for the ironing board too. We have an ironing board?
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
How did ppl describe the size of hail before the advent of sports?
My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.
*eating a brick of cheese like a stick of butter, which I eat like a burrito, which I eat like an ear of corn*
Just saw a couple jogging together and it inspired me to stay on the Internet
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
Telling your child their sibling is still asleep a very effective way to get them to practice their instrument.