and now we wait
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4: Mommy, do I look like a taco?
(I pause, consider the question and remind myself I’m dealing with a highly irrational creature)
Me: Do you want to look like a taco?
4: Yes!
Me: You look exactly like a taco.
Make your own bacon by tricking 30-50 feral hogs into running headlong through a harp.
i see you kids buying pre-rolled joints and now i understand the pain my grandpa felt when i told him i paid somebody to change my car’s oil
Got kicked out of the grocery store. Apparently yelling “LET THE BEETS DROP!” And throwing them at the ground is not acceptable.
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Charles Barkley sounds like a made-up name a dog would think of to get into a fancy country club.
ME: [first day working at the Christmas tree farm] I shall treat them with love and attention as if they were my pets.
BOSS: I love that
ME: My fir babies
HER: Get out
I WILL NOT click on your tinyurl link, no matter what people are saying about me.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Why do vegan places always try to copy meat products? Sure meat is murder but plagiarism is a little worse if you think about it
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
I’m just a girl…standing in front of a boy…asking him to love her.
Haha, just kidding. I’m just a girl…sitting in my car…talking to a boy through a speaker…trying to order a Shamrock Shake.
But a little drama never hurts.
Taking spiders outside to “help” them, buddy this is their house you weren’t born here
why tf do americans say tuna fish? like what other types of tuna are there?
[Calling guy I met in bar in ’91]
Me: Remember you said “Call me any time?” Well, I could really use a sitter tonight.
The answer is funnier than the question
you should get a pension for having to go to school for 12 years
“Oh sure. Go down bout a mile, left at the store that’s not there anymore, & past the big tree. Can’t miss it.”
-every gas station attendant
PRISON GUARD: (shines the spot light on me as I scale the fence) I can’t believe he hasn’t dropped his ice cream.
earthquakes are just the planet’s way of trying to shake us off and I honestly can’t find fault in that
Yeah, if Albert Einstein is so smart then why is he dead?
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
Phone: face not recognized
Me: *starts crying*
Phone: Ahh there it is
Us: Hey. Can you show us tweets from people we follow
Twitter: Best I can do is unblock your mortal enemy
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Jogging
Breaking news:
If I had to be a dominatrix (not appealing to me) I’d just be like, “Go stand in the corner. Do it!!” then play on my phone for the rest of the session.
Level of high: 7/10