and now we wait
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Rather than vote, let’s all fill out the 29 dimensions of what we want in a president and let eHarmony decide.
*watching Tom Cruise run on a hardwood floor in socks*
“Ooh, that IS risky.”
My resume reads like an oddly formatted apology letter
I woke up this morning with my 4-year-old in my face, nose to nose, asking why people have skeletons.
“Wow the Good Doctor is nuts.. can’t believe this is on network TV”
One Tree Hill in 2009:
“Wanna feel old..?”
No. Next question.
Now colored!
Me: *draws pentagram, chants in latin*
Demon: *possesses me*
Me: *head spins around, neck cracks several times* ahh yeah that’s the shit
Demon: same time next week?
[girlfriend texting me] so what are you gonna do to me tonight 😉
[remembers how she likes it rough] shoot you out of a cannon
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
🎶 It was an itsy bitsy teenie weenie 🎶
Don’t judge me because I only have $4 in my pocket.
Judge me because I stole it off my daughter’s night stand.
Don’t EVER let anyone tell you you’re not worth anything. You can get at least ten grand for one of your kidneys.
barista: room for cream?
me: oh you must be new *puts hand on his shoulder* that’s called a refrigerator
I just did my budget for June. If I don’t buy food … I won’t need toilet paper.
I think I’m on to something here.
Nothing moves faster than a dog who hears you looking at a bag of chips
date: I won’t be able to see you for a while. I need to focus on watching the World Cup.
me: *flops to the ground clutching my shin*
Welcome to Twitter 2 point Uh oh.
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
My daughter has started a fun new game where she tries to guess my age with random numbers like 72 or 94. So fun.
Lionel Ritchie being British :
🎵 Hello!
Is it tea you’re looking for? 🎵
On our walk this morning I mentioned that my legs were sore.
Hubs: I’ll carry you!
6: How can you carry her? She’s heavy!
Me: Daddy is strong…and I’m not THAT heavy!
6: Welllll, you LOOK heavy.
I don’t think the church is going to let me pick music for the bible group again. In my defense, the band name “Lamb of God” is misleading.
You COULD say Twitter is like Group Therapy, however that would imply people are getting better,… and that just doesn’t hold water.
Women in movies look so beautiful when they sleep. Meanwhile I’m tossing and turning all night like a forgotten 7-Eleven hot dog.
Sorry I’m breaking up with you but you have terrible taste in women