and now we wait
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“We are going to Taiwan”
Juan: No, please don’t!
If I was Snow White you wouldn’t get me with an apple. You’d have to poison a taco or something
Him: What the hell is a palindrome?
Me: No, it’s not
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
Me: Wow. She has a mesmerising walk.
Him: Hypnotist?
Me: Oh hip noticed alright.
Daughter: Dad take this Buzzfeed quiz and find out which Spice Girl you are.
Me: I already know…I’m Hospice.
Daughter:
[4 strangers are smearing their bodily fluids on each other]
[one turns to camera] “There has to be a better way.”
VOICEOVER: “Hot tubs.”
New word: Biscgret.
Meaning: The feeling when someone offers you a biscuit and you refuse, and you spend the rest of your time with them secretly wishing you’d accepted the biscuit.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
They say money can’t buy happiness, but could someone just give me a lot of it and let me see for myself.
No animal is more conniving and deceptive than Guinea Pigs, whom are neither pigs or from Guinea.
ME: I’m anti-murder
MURDERER: Wow, that’s narrow-minded
Heath: I’m Heath
Heather: I’m Heather
Me, competitive: I’m Heathest
My husband and I are looking for someone to whistle show tunes while we have sex in our hot tub. Serious inquires only, please.
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
Mom said angels are watching over me I’m just afraid they’re taking notes to make sure I go to hell.
If you show up to a baby shower holding a sickle, nobody complains that you didn’t bring a gift.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Brit 1:
“They’ve… just stepped away from their desk for a minute, can I take a message?”Translation: They’re staring straight at me.
Brit 2:
“Yes, when they get back can you let them know I’ve called?”Translation: I know they’re still at their desk.
I like when flies won’t leave my car on long road trips. Have fun moving to Kansas, you tiny idiot.
velma: this man has been dressing up as a ghost and haunting the amusement park at night
judge: look, that’s really weird but you were still trespassing on his property
If they stole your tweet they probably need it more than you do.
“bro it doesn’t work like a boomerang”
-my friend before getting knocked out by a flying croissant
The sexual tension between my tendency to do something stupid and my resolve not to.
Whenever my husband annoys me,
I force him to go to the store for
Maxi pads, extra thin with extra wings
MUST HAVE EXTRA WINGS
Don’t come home without it
Twitter is composed of all the kids who used to giggle in sex ed
Next time I get a pat-down at TSA I’m gonna tear off my ascot, suggestively peel off my reversible belt, and yell, “IS THIS WHAT YOU WANTED, BRIAN? IS IT?”
if umpires are supposed to be so decisive then they should just be called pires
Apparently…
Border Security does NOT think it’s funny when you reply,“I’m hungry”
when they ask you if you have anything to declare.
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