Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.

BABY: {saying first word} Mama.

FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.

how come kids always get lice but you never hear about adults getting lice. no workplace ever brings the lice inspection lady in to check the office. no one comes home from work like “sorry honey. tim on the fifth floor gave everyone lice again”

This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.

[baby throws up all over the couch]
Cmon dude, I let you live here for free

“Welcome to another meeting of Horse Club. Let’s try to actually get something done today. All in favor?”

Crowd: “NEIGH!”

“Jesus Christ.”

Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.

I didn’t see San Andreas because I heard there’s not a scene where a therapist tells the seismologist, “It’s not your fault.”

My neighbor said, wow that skeleton looks almost real and I said I know and to think it was almost free.

Calls restaurant:

Me – Hi, is your place kid friendly?
Host – Yes it is.
Me – Thank you.
Host – Would you like to make a reservation?
Me – Nope.

Medieval coworker during the black plague: yea there’s definitely something going around

Twitter: Don’t say a word for 7 days. 60 women unfollow you.

Real life: Don’t say a word for 7 days. Every woman wants to marry you.

I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.

My dad taught me the importance of having convictions in life. Ten felonies later, I now know that some words have more than one meaning.

[dark alley]

DRUG DEALER: *hands me the stuff*

ME [extremely street smart]: does this come in a generic version?

My kids have eaten 47 lbs of candy. They aren’t sleeping until December 12th. Send help.

[Preschool]
Teacher: aw what’s this little guy’s name?
[Simultaneously]
Me: laser panther
Wife: Jacob

It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant

“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”

I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.

[being choked to death]

Me: harder

Murderer: wait, what?

Me: again pls

Murderer: ffs, I’m out of here

You know what’s worse than someone’s phone alarm playing the tune over and over? Someone else who starts whistling along.

*waits for you to fall asleep*
*rolls out from under your bed*
*moisturizes your knees and elbows*

My wife handed me a clean towel and asked me to “put it in its place.” So, I looked at it and said, “Don’t forget that you’re only a towel,” and I was reminded yet again of just how lucky this woman was to be married to me.

I don’t care which way you swing, guy wearing a Tapout t-shirt & Capri pants, but you’ve GOT to make a choice.

Can’t talk, competitively eating

*sharing nachos with my 17yo son

Opening up a food truck that sells six different styles of hot dogs and one hamburger and naming it “they can’t all be wieners”

if i ever got married i would use the reception as an opportunity to just play every song i’ve ever liked. no theme, no vibe. just me being like “omg i love this one” for two hours

Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.

The hair salon raised prices and now I can either afford a haircut or a recolor, but not both. Every visit is a do-or-dye decision.

I’m 25, which means I’m just as far from 10 as I am from 40.

Although, in terms of money and maturity, I’m still way closer to 10.