“And now we wait.” —me when I dislike someone before my friends do.
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“any questions for Mr. deGrasse Tyson?”
[I knock over an old woman while sprinting to the mic]
HOW DOES AIR CONDITIONING WORK IN SPACE?
I accidentally bought a pair of nose-cancelling headphones and now my glasses keep falling off.
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
If there was any question as to what kind of teenager my 7yo will be, last night she pulled out a toy cellphone and started pretend texting during her own bedtime story
[robot gleefully steals another job from a human]
[.0003 seconds later]
This is crap
Why did I even want this
What have I done
[Job interview]
-Are you going to just keep spinning around in that chair?
Sorry. I didn’t think we started yet.
Whenever an overnight guest is using a spare toothbrush at my house I always walk in and ask them if they’ve seen my butthole scrubber.
surgeon: says here he also has night terrors
patient: (under anesthesia) ahhh!!!
surgeons: ahhh!!!
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
“I…I don’t know, doc. I guess I’m just tired of being pushed around all the time.”
-Revolving Doors
I want to open up a Shakespeare theater in a Chinese restaurant.
Dimsummernight’s dream
[2054: We develop cheap cloning technology]
[2055: Restaurant opens where you can have clones of yourself serve cooked clones of yourself]
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
Why is a zombie’s strongest primal instinct always “violent hunger” when their organs don’t work? I feel like I’d just want to collect frogs
I’d throw you a flower, infact, I’d throw you an entire plant.
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
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I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
Protect yourself from bank failures by not having any money in the first place
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
Old MacDonald had a personalised numberplate, E1 E10.
he’s sick of your bullshit today
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Won the “Typo of the Moth Award” AGAIN!
I hope there’s a special place in hell for the guy who, right as the Zoom meeting leader was wrapping up, self-indulgently pontificated for five minutes and extended the meeting thus forcing me to involuntarily test the microphone “mute” feature with an epic string of expletives.
Easter egg hunts are fun but, some kids always get their eggs stolen by others. Also, I’m not allowed on the field this year.
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
I would be very interested to hear from someone who is ILLEGALLY blind.