And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
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when ur hate is strong but your bladder’s weak
My dentist plays country music, so it’s like a double torture.
guy who invented shot put: im tired of holding this put
It’s no coincidence that Monday and Murder both start with M.
Mermaid: I lay the eggs
Merman: and I fertilize them
Meredith: I’m Edith, I like to watch
🥲
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
me: [preparing to give eulogy] *takes jacket off*
priest: don’t undress the deceased
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
I am never leaving this website
*Squatting over cat litter box*
Husband: What the fu-
Me: THERE’S A SPIDER IN THE BATHROOM
The digits of your phone number tell you what you need in that order:
1. Booze
2. Drugs
3. Wealth
4. Popularity
5. Health
6. Jesus
7. We’ve been through this before
8. You know where I’m going with this?
9. Well then, let me remind you.
0. You’re.. An.. Say it with me.. Idiot..
[texting my friend]
me: sorry I missed your party yesterday
friend: it’s today actually
me: read this again tomorrow then
On the bright side you only need one more brain cell and you could pass as a plant
I can’t prove it, but from the sound of it, I’m pretty sure there’s an injured dolphin stuck in my dishwasher.
My daughter wants something “fun and not boring” for dinner tonight and I’m feeling a lot of pressure now
Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
My ‘gravy is low’ light just came on.
An egg just followed me. Now I just need some bacon.
And you may find yourself
behind the wheel
of a large cockerel mobile
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
THE CANADA GEESE ARE LEAVING.
AMERICA THEY YOUR PROBLEM NOW.
I wanna see this movie: begins with a car chase, but after the cars destroy a fruit stand, the rest of the film follows that fruit stand’s enraged owner as she takes revenge on the drivers. Walks the land, killing action heroes & villains, in the name of fruit stands everywhere
*Becomes a black hole*
*Only absorbs corndogs*
This is about the time of year where my enthusiasm about shoveling snow turns into “it will probably melt on it’s own”
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
It’s obvious now that democracy is a busted flush and that in future politicians should be selected via several rigorous rounds of Taskmaster.