And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
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Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
A national monument to those brave online heroes who were “First!” in comments.
If pigs could fly it would make this pig catapult that I just built completely obsolete.
You don’t hear much about Snow White’s eighth dwarf, but they should never have trusted Clumsy with an axe.
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
Me: Why is your sister listed as your emergency contact?
Husband: Because you won’t answer your phone.
Me: Yes I would! Maybe. Probably. Well, eventually.
How good at basketball do you have to be to get a COVID test
I switched to watching horror movies, because literally anything is less scary.
[Watching my husband gag having difficulty swallowing an omega-3 fish oil soft gel]
Me: Well, well, well Mr. “you can take it all, baby” it aint so easy is it?
People laughed when I said I wanted to be a professional snooker player. They’re not laughing now because it was ages ago.
If they could just figure out how to put fluoride in beef jerky I wouldn’t have to brush my teeth ever again.
Must suck to see your ex getting married. I wouldn’t know, all mine have died in mysterious, firey car crashes.
It’s interesting to me that car drivers are the first to admit that other drivers are idiots, yet anytime you try to suggest policy that will take cars off the road, they’re the most resistant
[Bat symbol lights up Gotham’s sky]
“Gordon needs me, the city needs me.”
[Robin waving flashlight around]
“Oh wow look they need me too.”
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
thats my bad
he’s sick of your bullshit today
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
me: I think I left my phone charger on the plane
flight attendant: are you getting into the life boat or not
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.
13: Mom I love Spanish class and guess what!
Me: What?
13: I’m already fluent… un, deux, trois.
Me:
13: Oh wait, that’s French.
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
When I was a kid: why do athletes retire in their 30s they’re still so young
Me in my 30s now: *trying to get up from a couch* yep ok
Johnny Depp is the best actor ever. You can’t even tell he has scissor hands in Pirates of the Caribbean.
A vanilla latte w soy milk is technically a 3 bean soup but none of yall are ready to talk about that huh??
Wife: So what are you going to do in retirement?
Me: My dream is to have my own taco truck.
Wife: You want to run a business?
Me: Business?
I’m not sure why this works, but it does. LMAO
one time i slam dunked a basketball so good we were out of school for a week people just needed time to process