Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Kanye West tweeted that Bill Cosby is innocent?
This is the last straw.
He just lost my vote in 2020.

Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?

Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.

date: I’m a really big people person

frankenstein: omg, same

I’m sorry, but nothing is topping this 😭

(whispering to my tv remote after i put new batteries in it) as soon as somethin else in the house needs batteries im gona take these from u

I told my American cousin this is what police cars in Scotland sound like

My neighbor’s 2yo is on my front lawn shouting NO NO NO NO. Not sure what she’s protesting but I’m gonna go join her.

amazon prime: select delivery window
me: *types* the bathroom one

😉😝

I think Jesus would have killed it at water skiing

[First date]
Ok, don’t let her know you’re a pharmacist

Her: Can you pass the salt?
“Sure, it’ll be ready in two hours.”

Don’t you just hate it when you order a book called “Cooking with children” and none of the recipes involves them as an ingredient?

Deliveroo driver has gone rogue this morning

America only considers a war a success if we build a Bed Bath and Beyond in the enemy’s capital.

Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.

No thanks, $30 haunted house. I can watch the news and get scared any time for free.

I got you a new pair of cement shoes!
Go ahead, try em on real quick…

Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.

someone interviewed me once and i said, “remember blogs and forums in the mid-2000s?” and he said “haha, no i was a baby”

Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat

Gonna eat this baklava wearing a balaclava whilst playing a balalaika

No trip to Home Depot is complete without at least two more trips to Home Depot for what you didn’t know you needed to buy the first time.

[trying out my magic tricks for the first time]

*sawing person in half*

Funeral director: *wrestling me away from casket*

My husband declared Sunday as a technology free day, so naturally this has led to a closer bond between my children and me as we sneak off to look at my phone.

My daughter saw a frog in the yard today so I won’t be leaving the house.

Here’s how I get my teen to text me back: I threaten to text his friends to tell him to text me back.
Follow me for more parenting hacks

Trick or treaters are coming to my house asking for candy but I’m giving them something even better: a lecture on the importance of voting

Her: I don’t even know what the cloning machine does

Me: Well that makes two of us

Jesus: and when there was but 1 set of footprints, there I carried u

Me: (checks fitbit) ok, phew, it counted the steps, I still got credit