And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
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My hair dryer is so powerful that it doubles as my leaf blower.
Me, covered in grease and tossing a filthy rag over my shoulder: Alright…wiper fluid’s full.
Leading causes of cancer:
1. Smoking
2. Aging
3. Radiation
4. Diet
5. WebMD
Dear Diary,
I went back to the gym for the first time since before the holidays today. Struggling to remember what it is I’m supposed to do here. I took a bite out of a dumbbell and that wasn’t right, but I’m close. I can feel it.
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
Cashier: Need to see some ID
Me: You get a lot of 20yo guys buying tampons, diapers, grapes & whiskey?
Cashier: Yup
Me: Ok, here you go then
NASA : we were wrong , there ARE 9 planets in the Solar System
PLUTO: I’m back, baby!
NASA: because we found a new one!
PLUTO: SON OF A
my cat just woke up, accused me of a crime, and went back to sleep
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
“Check, please!” – Me, at a restaurant begging the waiter to make sure there are no monsters under the table
where’s Godzilla when we need him
horse: these pants fit me perfectly
sales clerk: very good sir
horse: *quietly* I’ll need two pairs
sales clerk: *discretely* of course
Didn’t find out until I got to work that these exposed-shoulder tops are intended for women.
9y.o: “Mom, how many eggs can make an omelette?”
Me: “Well,-“
9: “-I mean, if eggs break, can you still use them?”
Me: …
9: Like, if they smashed all over a floor, could you still make them?”
Me: …
9: “Yeah, so…how do you clean eggs off a floor?”
Added my sticker to the family on the back of your van I am in your family now you have to bring me to costco every time you go.
I hate how people pile on chiropractors just because they’re fake and dangerous
I’m a simple woman. I don’t need fancy things like jewelry or sanity to be happy.
My GF: so… do you like my new nylons?
Me [thinking about robbing a bank]: oh yes
Have the people who designed wine glasses ever washed dishes in their lives?
me (under my breath): don’t let her know how awkward you are
date: what are you having
me: an ok time
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
If a cop pulls you over and walks up holding a notepad, don’t order breakfast. Apparently it’s not amusing, I’ve already tried it.
When you’ve brought up your child to be kind and never take sides.
Husband: Who’s fatter – mummy or daddy?
Miss 8: You both are.
MENTOR: I am now sponsored by Cheetos, but it shan’t affect my wise counsel
ME: How can I become-
MENTOR: Dangerously cheesy? Glad you asked
“Honey, can you bring me a
roll of toilet paper?”Toilet paper- “I have a boyfriend”
ISIS frequently takes credit for random attacks even when they had nothing to do with them, making ISIS basically the Fat Jew of terrorism
I like to think the automatic soap dispenser is just really happy to see me.
Not my circus. Not my monkeys. But I’m 99% positive I know those clowns.