And now…a ‘joke’.
“WAITER! I’d like to complain about my lion pie”
“What seems to be the problem, madam?”
“It’s ROAR in the middle”
“Apologies, madam. I shall bring you the menu so you can choose an alternative MANE course”
*coughs*
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Why isn’t Spiderman’s greatest enemy named Shoeman?
911 OPERATOR: 911 what’s your emergency
ME: ok promise you won’t be mad
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
I hate when people start off a conversation with, “Can I be honest with you?”
No, please lie, I insist!
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog:
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself
They say if you choose a job you love, you’ll never work a day in your life.
I have to work tomorrow.
Me: Quit knocking stuff off the coffee table
Cat: You aren’t my real father
Me: What?
Cat: Meow?
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
When I snag the last meatball.
me: *starts the washer*
me, two minutes later: what’s that noise
Guy on fb posted a picture of his baby w/ the caption “1st Easter!” Hell no, there have been like 2000, we’re not starting over just for him
I wish I could stop naming Bruce Willis films. I guess old habits… Pulp Fiction.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
I could’ve chosen a life of crime but it seems like it would interfere with my 9pm bedtime.
12 yr old me: Some old lady yelled at me
25 yr old me: Look at that old lady yelling at some poor kid
50 yr old me: I had to yell at some kid
for all its faults Twitter is still one of the best places to provide that unbeatable feeling: learning of someone’s existence for the first time and immediately wishing death upon them
[wife checking on me and the kids]
Hello
“I called the house, you didn’t answer.”
I went out.
“Ok. Well how have they been?”
How’s who been?
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
Unknown people: you aren’t weird you are just being yourself
My gang: bro I know 5 weird people and you are 4 of them
Whenever your girlfriend tells you she’s on her period remember not to say things like “that explains it”.
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Single and never gonna mingle.
I tested positive for aloneavirus.
[Jesus opens his fortune cookie]
SOMEONE WILL BETRAY YOU
“Uh oh”
YOUR LUCKY NUMBERS ARE 4 2 0 6 9
“Haha nice!”
Those American Pickers guys drove all over the country looking for antiques when they could have just bought stuff new and then waited.
#MeanwhileInCanada
My 2 year old woke up.
5 minutes of “Mommy!”
5 minutes of “Mommy?”
Said “Daddy?” one time & my wife said, “You should go check on her”.