And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
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“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Got kicked out of my motorcycle gang again for trying to sell essential oils
I call my horse mayo
bc mayo neighs
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
Son: What’s for dinner?
Me: Cake.
Son: Yay! I want cake!
Me: What are the magic words?
Son: I LOVE YOU MORE THAN I LOVE MOM.
Me: Here ya go.
You can have a good day with your teen or you can ask them to dress warm, you cannot have both
Officer: is there anything in your car I should know about?
Me: *remembers photo album filled with 1,000 pics of my dog* OMG YES
Why are you breaking up with me?
“You treat your dog like a baby. It’s weird”
Shh *puts hands over dog’s ears* he’s 26 months he understands
How dare you look down on me, judging me with your judgy eyes and your judgy attitude and…
Attorney: my client means, “not guilty”
There’s something about Dracula I just don’t trust
Just called the bank for my account info and a voice whispered ‘If you break the pack in half, Ramen noodles can last you two days.’
if u hear ur roommate using ur beard trimmer in the bathroom but they come out and look exactly the same u should buy a new beard trimmer
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
How far did I walk away from the sink when I was brushing my teeth? As always, too far.
[stargazing]
“It’s amazing the activity you can pick up with a decent telescope [lowers kaleidoscope] absolutely amazing.”
In the next James Bond movie 007 has to prevent a Congolese arms dealer from selling nuclear-grade plutonium to a Nevada couple planning a gender reveal
Me looking for my phone using my phone flashlight: where the heck is it?!
God: i’m sorry the answers no.
Jellyfish: please?
God: it’s just too ridiculous.
Jellyfish: don’t I deserve a best friend?
God: yes but-
Jellyfish: pretty please? : (
God: I can’t just make a PeanutButterfish
[3 am]
toddler *steps on my face trying to sneak into the bed*
me: You are the worst ninja ever
I don’t want to intimidate you, but I learned all my fighting skills from Hong Kong Phooey.
my kid: i hope i can have school at home forever
me:
*opens a bag of popcorn at your intervention*
Me: The cool thing about writing is that you learn a lot about yourself.
*learns a lot about myself*
Me: aaaaaaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA
I never had a childhood bully, but I do have a toddler, so same.
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
what’s the funniest tiktok video you’ve ever seen?
[2015 Bird Awards]
AND THE AWARD FOR GROSSEST NAME GOES TO…HORNED GUAN
(Lizard Buzzard quietly puts acceptance speech back in pocket)
me: more teeth
dentist: what
me: *recording video* no skimping now