And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
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Eating pizza is a lot like drinking alcohol. If you have too much you always end up being like “I could really go for some pizza.”
Have you ever met someone that was like the human form of slow WiFi?
When a kid wants to snuggle it means you’re about to get warmth in your heart and an elbow to every single one of your other organs.
My dad: Which highway did you take?
Me: The one Maps told me to. I dunno. I remember there was asphalt. Other cars and stuff
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
Feel. He’s so soft.
I started carrying a knife after an attempted mugging a few years ago.
Since then, my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.
Fact: A good beer will not lose its label after sitting in a cooler of ice water all week.
Related: Why is there still beer in the cooler??
why are there sports bars but not cute bars where u can sip wine and cheer for competitive cooking shows?
[watching Ratatouille]
me: I think I could do thather: be a chef?
me: be manipulated by an animal
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
As a scarecrow, people say I’m outstanding in my field. But hay, it’s in my jeans.
[at a restaurant]
Her: I’m going with meatloaf
Me: *crying* I hope you guys are happy together
[inventor of the piano]
Tables aren’t noisy enough.
instead of being able to object at weddings we should be able to object at nursing school graduations
People say you can’t avoid death but I’ve been doing it all my life.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Grammar tells us, ” ‘i’ before ‘e’ except after ‘c’ “.
But science tells us otherwise.
#GrammarDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
The biggest concern with children playing football is them eventually telling people they played high school football when they’re 45.
A Dutch way of saying “we’re on it” or “we’ll take care of that for you” is we zullen dat varkentje wel even wassen. It means “we will certainly get that piglet washed”
* read on for more porcine phrases from around the world (a big pig thread)…
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
*high looking at my cat*
When did I get a fluffy chicken?
INTERVIEWER: so what makes you qualified to work at comcast
ME: *shows up four hours later*
INTERVIEWER: you’re hired
The Fast and the Furious.
– Me, not eating after 6:00 pm for my morning blood work 😠.
[ping pong]
ME: 3 to 2, my serve
JESUS:
M: can I have the ba-
J: the Son of Man came not to be served but to serve
M: [exhales] every time
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
it must be school picture day
If you want to hear an elderly couple arguing for 2 hrs about whether they closed their garage door, go to a movie at 11AM on a weekday.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?