And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
You Might Also Like
This needs to be over soon because my husband is starting to realize I’m not out of his league.
gonna write a steamy vampire chicken novella, call it “stake & eggs”
5 told me she can’t help me clean up her toys because she’s tired from all the work she does in kindergarten. When I asked her what she meant by work, she said “ugh they’re always making us write our names”.
Me: It’s Celine Dion riding a unicorn
Tattoo artist: You know these are permanent right?
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
she wears short skirts
I eat pizza
she’s cheer captain
and I’m still eating pizza
me: return of the mack.
cashier: receipt of the mack?
[fakes allergic reaction at dinner]
Me: I-I’m- [clutches chest & falls to floor] I’m gonna need you to pay for me
two weeks ago a friend was telling me about how they were sad because they hosted a cookout and invited “all their friends” but no one came and i just had to sit there and smile and nod as they sadly told me about this cookout that, incidentally, they did not invite me to
Me: Another bucket of wine please.
Waiter: You mean a new bottle in an ice bucket?
Me: No.
We’re not out of the woods yet.
Lumberjack: That better be the last forest joke.
WARNING: People who need to leave their homes today are advised that it is extremely Monday outside this morning.
mom gave me mine for free
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
Don’t tell me I don’t know anything about love. I just saw them open up a cheesecake sampler at Costco.
Her: WHAT ARE YOU DOING?!
Me: *puts naked Barbie away.
‘It’s not VooDoo if that’s what you think!
Her:Freak!
Me:Did you feel–anything?
Bad luck, Atheists named Christian.
“Stop trying to give your words depth and gravitas by attributing them to a faraway old civilization.” – ancient Chinese proverb
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
Grandpa
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
Imagine how tall this baby will be when it’s fully grown.
The judge dismissing my Monopoly get out of jail free card is why I have trust issues
GOD: okay everyone gets one thing from this bag of traits
ELEPHANT: i shall take a long nose
GOD: how fun
BUTTERFLY: i shall have beautiful wings
GOD: oho yes very charming
MOSQUITO: i shall be a heinous little b***h
GOD: you know what this is my fault i did put that in the bag
pirate: walk the plank
me: ok but I don’t have a leash lol
pirate: *drops sword* dad?
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
Ain’t no party like a pig farm party cuz a pig farm party got slop.
Always the bridesmaid, never the father of the bride.
“Daddy, how do you spell Budweiser?”
“Uhhh….why?”
“I’m drawing a picture of you for school.”
“Cool! It’s spelled G-A-T-O-R-A-D-E.”
Never been caught up in a rap feud but I did once fall afoul of a patisserie chef who in an act of revenge named a particularly basic pastry after me.