And now…a ‘joke’.
Why was the demon in hospital?
It was having its GHOULbladder removed…*coughs*
You Might Also Like
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
The job market has never been worse and LinkedIn still thinks it’s smart to send notifications like “you got a message! It’s an ad btw!” If this website existed in the physical realm I would hit it with my car
Broke my work phone. I can’t talk on it anymore. I should have done this a long time ago
I have to wonder why we have “non-essential” government employees in the first place.
I once worked with a girl that was so hot it was like she lived on another planet. She’d be like “you know how when you go to Subway they always give you free cookies” and I’d be like “no I don’t know that because us ugos have to pay for those cookies”
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Brain: You need sleep.
Me: *lies down to sleep*
Brain: Remember that really embarrassing thing you did in 3rd grade.
Have no idea why I consider this *so* hilarious. But I do. 🤣🤣🤣
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
No one:
Pepto Bismol Marketers: Let’s make a song and dance about diarrhea.
We paid off the car and suddenly the bank doesn’t call or write anymore. It’s like the last 4 years meant nothing.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
Me: You can be anything you want to be buddy, just work hard.
3: Imma be a lamp.
Me: I’m done talking to you for now.
how am i supposed to keep up with what day it is when it changes every 24 hours
ME: make every guy afraid of me
GENIE: as u wish
ME: (a tampon): son of a
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
oh you’re bisexual? name every man and woman
In choosing clinical logic and detached isolation over laughter and passion, you went full-Vulcan.
Everyone knows you never go full-Vulcan.
I do not want “thoughts and prayers.” I want “chips and salsa.”
Reese’s peanut butter cups contain only 3% of our daily recommended protein. But if you eat 97 of them… wait, is that right?
excuse me, are you an Angel that fell from heaven? because my friend Doug died and he owed me $40 and I wondered if you could remind him for me
Me: My heartburn is out of control
Dr: Are you still taking your meds
Me: Yes I take them every morning with my 1st pot of coffee
Dr: (exhaling loudly)
Music FACT: Australian singer-songwriter Sia has a younger sister called Wouldntwannabia.
[Jesus at Last Supper]
[holds up bread] This is my body
[holds up wine] This is my blood
[holds up Instagram pic]
This was my breakfast
I found a baggie of coke while out walking my dogs. I knew adopting the retired police K-9 would pay off.
every cop drama will have a notice that says “any resemblance to actual events or individuals is purely coincidental” and then the serial killer will be named something like ned lundy
Meth is short for Elizameth.
Me as a lawyer:
-my lord, my client doesn’t do jail
What you want every COVID-19 email to be like: Don’t worry! If you’re having trouble paying right now, we understand.
What every COVID-19 email is actually like: Don’t worry! There will always be someone at our call center to take your timely monthly payments.
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.