And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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The GF goes away for 10 days, *shits going to get wild
* sleeps in middle of bed
I just got off the phone with God. He’s pretty bummed out. Poor guy has a huge crush on an atheist, but she doesn’t even know he exists.
baseball but the field is boobytrapped with hidden trampolines
Bear knowledge
When someone has two dogs everyone’s always assuming they’re siblings like “where’s your brother?” “share with your sister” what if they’re dating? What if they’re coworkers?
Every time I go to the dentist they’re like, “you need a whole new mouth and that will be $23,000.” I’m like, “thank you for my cleaning. I will see you in six months.”
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
I just got a call from my gym asking me if I want to upgrade to two visits per year.
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
even the youngest member of The Breakfast Club is now 53, so it’s less ‘don’t you forget about me’ and more ‘I don’t remember why I came into the room’
My former lover describes his beloved: “She’s amazing in a hundred different ways.” My guy describes me: “Chatty.”
Friend: you look great man, what are you doing for exercise
Me: well tbh, 70% of my cardio comes from grinding fresh pepper
creepy kid: I see dead people
me: I see people I want dead
creepy kid: but they don’t know they’re dead
me: [racks shotgun] same
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[tightening roller skates]
“stop worrying about me mom, I’m in a very dangerous gang, but we are really fast”
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Tonight I will make history!
Turns off incognito mode
I’m eating this banana sideways so my husband doesn’t get the wrong idea.
Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.
Me: As opposed to what?
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
date: oh you want to be an astronaut? wow you must be so adventurous
me: [knows that bone mass decreases in space making it the safest place to be when the skeleton war begins] yeah final frontier and all that haha
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*
Dr: any side effects from that new medicine?
Me plopping myself down onto his lap: it makes me overly affectionate
Do I help my kids with their math homework? Yes. Do I make fun of them mercilessly when I get an answer right that they get wrong? Also yes, balance.
Your bio says you’re 29, your selfies suggest you slept with Hemingway.
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
Sometimes, I look at the kids of today and think, “Thank god I’ll be dead by the time you grow up.”
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
Wearing a pretty new bra today that nobody else is gonna see, so everytime I go to the bathroom, I flash myself in the mirror.
