And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
They say a glass of water before meals helps curb your appetite. I’ve found donuts also work very well.
HILLARY: i’m sick and tired of these baseless accusations
THE MEDIA: aha! you see?! she admits it! not only is she sick, she’s also tired!
Someone asked me today about my plans for the Fall and it took me a moment to realize she meant the Autumn and not the collapse of civilization.
My son uses eating utensils with the accuracy and success of the most rigged claw crane game.
my idiot dog just ate a box of condom. i was gonna eat those buddy
accidentally emailed my crush a bunch of pics of me in my karate uniform again
Missing the good old days when McRib was always back and everyone got a free kitten to hold on the bus if they promised to behave
Who called it a volcanic eruption and not a lavalanche?
Aaaaaand…send.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
Our homeowner’s association just sent out a notice about dogs barking in the neighborhood which is so totally stupid cause dogs don’t read email.
I can’t afford a personal trainer so instead I go to the gym and lift incorrectly and wait for 3 different dudes to correct me for free.
According to my credit card statement Amazon is a hobby
I always thought a chickpea was just when girls go to the bathroom in groups.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
Customize Your Wedding.
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
HONEY I ACCIDENTALLY FILLED THE BABY’S BOTTLE WITH RED BULL
Oh god, is he sick
HE’S GOT ME IN A HEAD LOCK AND IS SAYING I’M A NERD. CALL 911
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Jaws is exceptionally funny if you just imagine the shark is trying to be friends with the guys on the boat and they keep running away.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Imagine it’s hundreds of years ago and the ground shakes violently and then a couple days later the sun vanishes we’d definitely be burning some witches
Me: Ugh, no more wine! My face looks puffy!
Me, 20 minutes later: *sips a glass of wine while wearing gel face mask*
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
[first day at coaching job where I lied pretty badly on my resume]
ok guys, get out there & do some of those *looks at clipboard* slum danks
That took me a moment.
Marriage is a little less fairytale and a lot more lying on opposite couches in your rattiest pajamas arguing over which brand of saltine crackers is superior while the same show you never really watch replays on the TV in the background
I’ve got 99 problems, which really bothers me since I’ve also got OCD and I prefer even numbers.
Went to Target to buy a ball for Scrappy and walked out with a cart full toys for him and Julio, now they’re fighting over the boxes.