And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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I didn’t have google maps growing up. The way you knew you were going the wrong way was by driving into a different state.
[high school]
Teacher: do u have your homework?
Ryan Lochte: I was murdered last night
An escape room but it’s just me trying to put on my hoodie with one sleeve inside out.
My kids were arguing whether milk or water is better so I chimed in that actually conditioner is better because it makes the hair silky and smooth. Zero laughs. My best jokes are wasted on these guys.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
I like to move it.
But not move it move it.
Just the one move it.
The first Roman soldier to be paid in salt: “Seems legit”
The Neverending Story is my favorite movie about laundry
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
Son: can I get lunch money
Dad: I have a boyfriend
Cop: You been drinking?
Me: No.
Cop: Say the alphabet backwards.
Me: Alphabet the.
Cop: Hilarious. Say each letter.
Me: Each letter.
Some of y’all need Jesus and I say this as an atheist
Me carrying around all the patience I have today x
Lou Read is the name of my favourite musician and also the book I keep in the toilet
DON’T INTERRUPT ME!!!
(me, in a drunken argument with your dog)
Popular Mathematics makes math easier to understand! #FallonTonight
Every motorcycle cop is a liquid terminator until proven otherwise.
Debate Night is anytime you ask, “so, where do you want to eat?”
sorry kids, Santa is a super spreader.
I don’t think I can be bothered with dating anymore?
My husband:
Playing dodgeball with kids is harder than it looks cause you have to throw them with both hands.
The next time some pretentious wine snob pours you a glass of wine, expecting you to wax lyrical, sip it then say, “Promising”.
That’ll knock the wind out of his sails.
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Told my father a joke on our last call. He no longer wants me to visit in July.
Superman’s Google searches:
“Strongest hero”
“Strongest hero. Not Hulk”
“Fastest hero”
“Fastest hero. Not Flash”
“Phone booth for sale”
Viking funerals are perfect for when you want to honor a friend and also get rid of a boat.
Me: [print]
Printer: I have to do maintenance.
Me: What? Now?
Printer: Shhh.
Me: Can you hurry up?
Printer: Alignment is a process.
Me: OMG just print my page.
Printer: I’ll print a test page.
Me: [pressing “cancel” button]
Printer:
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re out of magenta.
[on the phone]
wife: My mom tripped over the dog
me: Is she ok?
wife: Yeah
me: Can I talk to her?
wife: Sure *calls for the dog*
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING