And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
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I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
My next door neighbor has been knocking on my front door for hours.
Does she really think I am going to let her leave?
Is ‘Monkey Bread’ for monkeys, made by monkeys or made from monkeys?
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Just stood on my porch and screamed “STOP IT!” at the top of my lungs and two doors over someone yelled back “K”.
I heard if you click that little follow button, Twitter releases one of the captive birds it uses for its logo. Do the right thing.
Yeah, conservatives. I will marry a dog. I’ll marry 12 dogs. I’m a dog mormon now.
The craziest thing about teaching is how you will straight up meet doppelgangers of previous students. Choking back telling them to get outta here. I taught you already
My one and only plan to get rich is to short Nintendo stock just before the internet finally decides that Italian stereotypes are racist
One of the hotels in town has just refurbished their lobby area, and it looks like their rivals are going to do the same. Sometimes you just have to fight foyer with foyer.
Two words from the historical lexicon:
boondoggle: an entirely unnecessary or futile undertaking.
hornswoggle: to bamboozle or deceive.
A hornswoggling boondoggle has a nice ring to it.
*wakes up in hospital*
What happened?
“It was a heart attack”
Will I be ok?
*a big heart outside slowly taps on window with a bat*
“No”
“Anybody got any change?”
My body tenses as I whisper to my little zippered coin purse, “It’s go time.”
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
me opening up to someone
If I became a witch, the first spell I would cast is to make crickets sound like a purring cat. After that, I’d focus on evil. But the cricket-cat thing first.
My husband pissed me off so I wrapped his remote and put it under the tree.
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
People are like, “I thought about what you said…” and my first thought is always, “Oh no.”
“I now pronounce you lunch and dinner.”
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
*lying in bed*
*drops chip down cleavage*
*thinks, I’m so tired, leave it
*also, mmmmm, breakfast*
if someone asks me if I need help finding something in a department store I like to slowly describe a gun
I’m not a narc, but I did see my neighbors cat on a random porch 2 blocks away, took a picture, and shouted IM TELLING YOUR DAD
Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
Every time i tell people i want to be a comedian they laugh. See, im that good!!
The White House released this completely unedited photo of today’s turkey.
[watching the avengers with my wife]
(scene where the hulk appears)
me: *nudges wife* that’s shrek
Last night I did Crossfit for the first time and now I understand why those people always look so angry.