Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

All I’m saying is I’d rather stick my hand in a tank of piranhas than dig through my wife’s purse.

Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.

“Kill Bill” but it’s me hunting down whoever stole my sandwich from the break room fridge.

I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years

Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”

This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.

At this point, I think the people on “The Walking Dead” are trying to bore the zombies into not biting them.

i’m not in a weird mood this is who i am.

Until I became a parent I had never heard a human cry because they bumped their head on the roof of a blanket fort

One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.

[Calls boss]
I won’t be in today
“Why not?”
[camera pans out to a raccoon wearing sunglasses driving away in my car]
I’ve got the shits.

Fair warning. If you schedule your child’s birthday party before 11am, they will receive a book about where babies come from.

They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef

Saw your ex at the shops

Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.

Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.

This dude winked at me in the market so when he wasn’t looking I put a bunch of douches in his cart

Doctor: *eyes wide*

Me: let me start by saying it seemed like a good idea at the time

Guy asked me where I got my green eyes. Great! Now I have to explain what the Vikings did when they got to Sicily.

Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.

I miss the 80s, when you could hide an alien in your room for 3 days before mom found out and five kids on bikes could outsmart the police.

You know who the biggest gaslighters are? Toddlers. Today I saw my kid dump some flour on the floor and when I told her to clean it up she said “umm, I did not do that”

I honestly think we are asking too much of cauliflower.

I’m not too proud to admit I’ve slept my way to the bottom.

“Relax,” Arthur thought to himself, “you’re just being paranoid.”

Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.

Took me some serious legal wrangling during full quarantine, but the nursing home eventually allowed my 86 year old mother to hitchhike to my state once a week to change my bedsheets. LOVE WINS.

I really really think we are not giving kids enough credit for their resiliency during this incredible period of adult stupidity

ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]

WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle